A Letter to our Clients on COVID-19

Dear Clients,

The current situation surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic has many people feeling rightfully anxious and concerned. The level of uncertainty about the full impact the coronavirus will have on our families and community contributes to this anxiety. We at Redeemer Counseling want to underscore our commitment, as in any other difficult season of your life, to walk with you during these uncertain times.

In accord with health and government officials, we are taking necessary precautions to prevent the spread of the virus by sanitizing our office spaces to ensure your safety. What are typically mundane, automatic daily tasks like washing hands and covering mouths while coughing and sneezing are now becoming ways we all can contribute to the greater good of our world. If you are feeling sick or are caring for a sick loved one we ask that you inform your counselor about your situation. For any of our clients, we are making available the option to conduct sessions remotely through the telephone or our web-based, HIPAA compliant telemedicine platform VSee that works similar to FaceTime and Skype.

Your mental health matters immensely.  Here are a few recommendations for your emotional wellbeing during this time:

Talk about your feelings. Do not be embarrassed or ashamed of the many, maybe even conflicted feelings, you are experiencing during this time. Talking to friends and family about your fears and anxiety over the coronavirus can be very healing. We need each other during this time. Also, be on the lookout for those who are struggling and be willing to serve as you feel led.

Stay informed but not consumed. It is imperative that you stay informed, particularly as the situation is quickly changing. However, be mindful and attuned to when staying informed crosses into obsession and becomes detrimental to your mental health. Limiting the amount of news exposure on a daily basis may be wise.

Draw near to God. Be aware of your spiritual wellbeing. Scripture reminds us that God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Take time to commune with our Heavenly Father who desires to bring comfort and peace.

Please do not hesitate to contact our office or your counselor directly about questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

J. Michael and Rachel Blackston

Directors, Redeemer Counseling

Meet Our Newest Counselor, Katie Cheatham

Recently I had the opportunity to hear from our newest counselor, Katie Cheatham, about her calling as a counselor and desire to help others heal and grow. Katie sees clients at our new Maitland location, which is located at Maitland Presbyterian Church. To schedule an appointment with Katie, please call our office at 407-405-7677.

Michael: Why do you enjoy being a counselor?

Katie: I enjoy walking alongside people as they learn more about themselves, their emotions, and their stories. I think that we can often make more sense of our overwhelming emotions and our reactions to others when we look at our past experiences. I enjoy helping people make connections between stories from the past and their responses in the present and start to untangle patterns that are no longer helpful. I believe that understanding ourselves better also helps us to know God better, and it allows us to live more fully into who God created us to be. It is an honor and a privilege to walk alongside my clients as they start to experience healing and freedom.

M: Why did you decide to become a counselor?

K: In college, I had planned to become a physical therapist, and I spent several years working with the rehab team at a local trauma center on my summer breaks. I enjoyed watching people learn to walk again or regain skills they had lost due to illness or injury, but after dealing with some health issues of my own, I realized that there are often mental and emotional wounds left over from accidents or traumatic experiences that don’t disappear when the physical healing is finished. I have found a lot of healing in my own counseling journey, and I want to share that opportunity for healing with others. 

M: What is something that has shaped you as a counselor?

K: God created us to be in relationship with other people, but for many years, I was afraid to be vulnerable and let people really get to know me. As a result, I often felt lonely, even when I was spending time with friends. When I started working towards my master’s in counseling, my classmates and my counselor encouraged me to embrace more vulnerability. It was terrifying at first to risk letting people get to know me more deeply and stop making it look like I had it all together. Over time, though, opening up to people I trusted was life-changing and freeing. I long to help my clients reach that space where they too experience the freedom of feeling known, seen, heard, and deeply loved.

M: What is something you are learning?

K: I am currently learning to embrace the joy and adventure of learning new things, even if it involves making mistakes. I have often felt self-conscious and anxious about making mistakes, which kept me afraid of trying new things in case I messed up. Making mistakes is part of the learning process, though, and I’m learning that there are so many amazing things to explore, whether it’s a new instrument, hobby, language, or sport. I have discovered so much joy and freedom in allowing myself to try something new and not give up when I make mistakes (because I’m probably not going to get it right the first time or maybe even the tenth time!). I’ve also realized that it helps to have supportive friends encouraging me as I explore something new.

M: What provides you joy and rest?

K: I absolutely love to swing dance, and I’m learning several other styles of dance now too. When I’m dancing, I experience joy and feel the freedom to learn, have fun, and laugh at my mistakes in the context of a very welcoming community. I also enjoy resting by playing the guitar, spending time with friends and family, cooking, going on walks, and enjoying sunsets.

M: What are some tips you would give someone who is in counseling in order to increase the odds of successful treatment outcomes?

K: I experienced the most healing in my own counseling when I learned to be honest with myself and with my counselor about my painful emotions and my hurt. Reaching this level of vulnerability took time, but once I did open up more to my counselor, I started to feel more deeply seen and heard and understood, and really feeling known is incredibly healing.

Shannon's Heart for Counseling

Take a few moments to hear Shannon's beautiful heart for hope and redemption for the people she counsels. If you need a safe space to process whatever you are facing in life right now, Shannon is available to meet with you. She meets with clients at the Lake Nona and East Orlando offices. If you'd like to schedule an initial appointment please call our office at 407-405-7677.

Michael: Why do you enjoy being a counselor?

Shannon: I once heard someone say counselors hold hope for people that they can borrow until they have hope for themselves. Every time I meet with a client, I look for hope in their story. I look for their dignity, their beauty. Oftentimes people are coming to counseling with sufferings or struggles that make it impossible to see those things. I love being the person in their lives who calls out their goodness, the one who sees God’s beauty in them and all the reasons for hope even in their sufferings and struggles.

M: Why did you decide to become a counselor?

S: You know how when you experience something really great, you want everyone else to experience it too? That’s counseling for me. Having someone walk me through the ups and downs of my life--helping me grieve wounds, explore their impact, face the ways I have coped with pain, and uncover how God is bringing beauty from ashes in me--has brought about significant healing and wholeness. My experience has given me a vision to be that helper for others.

I have also had the privilege of mentoring college women for the last ten years. My heart would break hearing these women’s stories of abuse, depression, anxiety, self harm, body image, and so much more. I always wanted be a better listener, ask better questions, and walk with them toward recovery. Becoming a counselor has only grown that passion to help others and given me more tools to do so.

M: What is something that has shaped you as a counselor?

S: Allowing others to truly know me changed my perspective on relationships, and it’s changed the way I counsel others. For years I believed that being perfect was what made me worthy of love and relationships. I never thought others could love me in my struggles and failures, so I worked to keep those parts hidden. Most of my relationships were based on a performance and that was a lonely place. But as I let a counselor and some close friends in on my struggles, I was met with compassion, and it began to discredit the lies I held onto so tightly. In the context of safe relationships, I experienced a truly Christlike love that wasn’t based on perfection. I don’t believe counseling is the end all, be all. My goal as a counselor is to ultimately help people heal their relationship with God, themselves, and others, because that’s where we experience the most lasting transformation.

M: Tell me about your passion to work with people serving in ministry.

S: People serving in ministry are such courageous leaders who give faithfully to those God has called them to. From my experience, people serving in ministry often feel the pressure to have it all together. Sometimes we bring performance and perfectionistic tendencies into our relationships with God. We share about God’s unconditional love, believing it for others but not for ourselves.

For people serving in ministry, it’s easy for normal, human feelings like disappointment, anger, confusion, and hopelessness to get buried under our work in ministry. We are reluctant to bring those feelings to God, because they don’t seem “godly.” When we no longer feel like we can bring our authentic selves to God, it can become a recipe for shame. Refusing to address those underlying feelings and performance-based tendencies not only keeps us from experiencing the rest and freedom God desires for us, but it also keeps us from ministering to others most effectively.  

For me, it was through slowing down and processing my feelings with a godly counselor that God began uprooting the perfectionism I was carrying over into my relationship with Him. I believe my story is not uncommon for others in ministry, and I want to help them find the rest, freedom, and true ministry fruitfulness God desires for them.

M: What do you enjoy doing for fun?

S: I love being active and being outside- running, walking, hiking, ultimate frisbee, working in the yard. I love being creative. I am a thrift shopper and a Pinterest DIYer trying to tackle anything from wreaths to re-habing furniture. My husband and I really enjoy hosting, having friends over for game nights and good talks around the fire.

M: What are some tips you would give someone who is in counseling in order to increase the odds of successful treatment outcomes?

S: Change happens in the context of relationships. Developing a community of people who support you can start small and simply. Go to the small group at church. Ask someone for help on a hard day. Talk to people about what you’re going through, what you’re learning. Take the risk of vulnerability in relationships, even if it’s just one or two at a time. Ask the hard questions. Be the safe friend for others. Your commitment to pursue health in your relationships will be essential because God uses those relationships to heal us.

Q & A with Lauren Dyches

We are honored to have Lauren Dyches join our team of counselors at Redeemer Counseling. She will be seeing clients at both the Winter Springs and East Orlando office locations. If you're interested in scheduling an appointment with Lauren please contact our office at 407-405-7677.

Michael: Why did you decide to go back to school to be a counselor?

Lauren: Counseling has made a significant impact in my life since childhood, through college, and into life post college. It was so helpful that when I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree, I planned to continue on to get a Masters in counseling. As God would have it, I was instead led to work with a missions organization in Miami. Yet, hearing the stories of pain, trauma, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, shame, and other struggles from the students and families I ministered to fueled my desire to be able to better help people heal. I knew I wanted to go back to school to be better trained to come alongside people to help them in their journey of healing.

M: What is something that has shaped you as a counselor?

L: When I was a young girl, I was viscously mauled by a dog. The resulting physical scars on my face also came with deep emotional and spiritual scars. God has worked through my scars to show me a story of redemption, one in which he brought good from terrible circumstances, and walked with me in my pain to repurpose it into passion to help others experience hope and live a full life. Through my process of healing, God has shown me that just as Jesus’ scars show us a story of redemption, grace, and hope, so also our scars can become stories of the same in Christ. These experiences have helped me to understand and have compassion for the results of trauma including anxiety, fear, depression, etc. With these experiences as a guide, my hope is to help people to process and cope with the pain in their lives, and see how God redeems, loves, and values them.

M: What is something you are learning?

L: As a new mom, I am experiencing a huge life transition. I am reminded of how quickly fear and anxiety set in when we are in transition because we feel uncertain and insecure.  My first instinct is to learn and do as much as I can to feel a sense of control. However, when I take a step back, I realize that life is full of uncertainty and insecurity and that I am not in control no matter how hard I try. I am reminded that it is so important to process this anxiety, let go of control, and that God is for me.

M: What do you love about crossing cultures?

L: When I moved to Miami, I encountered an array of diverse cultures. I developed friendships with people from the Philippines, Bahamas, Cuba, Colombia, Haiti, Venezuela etc. I enjoyed asking questions and learning from their life experiences. As I experience other cultures and meet people that are different than me, I better see the strengths and beauty of others. I am able to step outside myself to better love others, learn from them, and also learn more about myself.

M: What provides joy and rest?

L: Personally, I find myself rejuvenated as I walk and talk with friends, get coffee or play card and board games. Being with people that I know and love, especially my husband and son, is life-giving to me. Another way that I de-stress is regularly working out with my husband, whether it be playing tennis, basketball, bike riding, or lifting weights at the gym.

Why Look Into My Past?

by Heather Vaughn, M.A.

Let me introduce myself. I am Heather Vaughn and am privileged to join the team of counselors at Redeemer Counseling. I love that this Center was founded on the theme of redemption or the restoration of something valuable.  Redemption is the rescue from ruins or the idea of something buried, lost or dead being brought back to life. It is amazing the way meaning and beauty can be excavated from confusion and pain. How can the stories of our lives be so paradoxical?

Some of my clients come in for counseling because of an onset of intense panic or feelings of sadness that they can’t shake. They want to know what they can do to get back to feeling normal, fearing that things could get worse. Many are open to talking about their past and they gain eyes to see how their past is influencing their present. Others seem resistant when I question them about their childhood experiences, wondering what family systems had to do with their present reality. Isn’t it best to let the past stay in the past?

Counseling has us jumping around through themes and scenes in our lives from now, to past, to future, and back again – somewhat like on the show This Is Us. This popular NBC drama is about a family who had a set of triplets, lost one of them in childbirth, and then adopted an abandoned baby born the same day. The story develops in the present with the 3 siblings in their mid-thirties. The character development is rich because the viewer gets a window into their childhood, the unfolding drama of the present day and a glimpse into the future.

In each episode there is a theme that connects these scenes helping make sense of how their emotions drive their lives. Our lives are like this. We have a history that is like soil where we grew and developed into the people we are today. Making sense of our story can be a powerful force, giving insight into who we are. It helps us identify  coping strategies that we’ve developed to handle life’s disappointments, our styles of relating and the emotional and pain that we store in our bodies. When we are brave enough to look into the rear-view mirror of our lives we grow in self-awareness.  Understanding the impact of people and events from the past gives us space to move out of places where we are emotionally stuck. An unexamined past can leave us reacting in ways that we don’t want and with a lack of  understanding of our triggers.

Often, we are unaware of the rhetoric in our heads and the unspoken rules we impose on ourselves and others. We might know that we over-react sometimes, causing damage to our loved ones, but don’t understand the fuel behind the reaction. We can be like a loaded train full of freight cars that we’ve unconsciously picked up along the journey of life. The freight cars represent the chapters of our lives and the cargo represents the unprocessed anger, anxiety, and sadness that we have picked up along the way.

When a loved one pushes our buttons, we may explode or shut down, not understanding why we reacted so strongly. When we are brave enough to look at our past and process our feelings it’s like unloading heavy cargo from our train. We feel lighter and our relationships flourish. Having the courage to look at our past allows the power of redemption to make us whole as something beautiful is fashioned from chaos. Inviting God to do this work of redemption in us, we open space for present and future hope to be restored. Counseling provides a fast track for maturity, resiliency, healing, and redemption in our lives.

Getting to Know Ashleigh Boyle

by J. Michael Blackston

Ashleigh Boyle has joined our team of counselors and will be seeing clients out of the Lake Nona office. If you’d like to schedule an appointment with her, please call our office at (407) 405-7677. I had a chance to ask her a few questions so you can get to know her heart for what she does.

Michael: Why do you enjoy being a counselor?

Ashleigh: I love redemption and walking alongside people in their journeys. I have always been curious about people and have the gift of being a developer. Even during my years in ministry, I would sit across from people and be able to see their potential and help them get there. Working as a counselor has allowed me to take my natural gifts and use them to help others understand themselves more deeply and move into their potential as they are ready.

M: What is something that has shaped you as a counselor?

A: I’ve sat on both sides of the couch and that feels significant to who I am as a person and a counselor today. I know it takes a great amount of courage to show up and bare your stories of confusion, longing, pain, desire, shame, and hope. It is such a humble privilege to be invited into these places with people and see the ways God wants to redeem and wrap these stories into His own.

M: Tell me about your passion to work with people serving in ministry.

A: Before pursuing counseling, I served in ministry for a number of years, both in the US and overseas. I watched myself and others struggle with the complexities of relationships as well as balancing life in the midst of the unique demands and challenges of ministry. I love coming alongside people serving in these capacities, helping them thrive in who God has made and called them to be.

M: What do you enjoy doing for fun?

A: I love being outside, sitting on the porch with a good friend or a book. I enjoy running, cooking, traveling to see people I love, and adventures to enjoy good music and food. I can often enjoy most things when I am with close friends that refresh me!

Kindergartner Drop-off

by Gaye Butler, M.A.

The day I had both looked forward to and dreaded had finally arrived; my youngest child was going to kindergarten. She seemed a little anxious but mostly excited to get on with the grand adventure she had watched her older brothers and sisters experience from the safe confines of home. I had rehearsed in my mind a hundred times how I would act if she cried, if she panicked, or if she simply froze in place. A lovely little speech about how proud and confident of her I felt was firmly set in my plan for saying good-bye once I had delivered her to her school room.

But none of that actually happened. I walked her up to the school doors after parking my car in the appropriately marked parking spot, but was blocked from entering by one of the staff members standing near the entrance. As it turned out parents weren’t allowed past the door. I had no script for this. I said a weak good-bye as my daughter happily followed the staff member inside. Was that it after all those years of imagining what it would be like?

I felt so empty and alone. Just like that I slipped into a new phase of my life where the day no longer was driven by the needs and desires of preschoolers. And all of a sudden I wasn’t sure I knew how to live in the midst of this transition. I sat in my car for a while and let the warm tears roll down my cheeks until I felt ready to turn the ignition and point the car toward the exit. It wasn’t the way I imagined, but I really was proud and confident in my little kindergartner.

A Conversation with our Newest Counselor, Gaye Butler

by J. Michael Blackston, M.A.

Gaye Butler, M.A. joined our team of counselors this summer after graduating with her Master’s of Arts in Counseling degree from Reformed Theological Seminary. I recently had a chance to ask her some questions regarding her experience as a student and about her life overall. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Gaye at our Winter Springs office, call our office at (407) 405-7677.

Michael: You entered the counseling field after raising your 7 children. What inspired you to go back to school?

Gaye: Over the years I had many opportunities to come alongside people in their personal struggles but there was often a point at which I realized that I was limited in my ability to help them by my lack of knowledge and training. My family and I have benefited greatly from our own counseling experiences and over time a desire grew in me to be able to offer that kind of compassion and assistance to others. After a decade of waiting for the timing to be right, I was able to go back to school. It is an incredibly satisfying feeling, in this next season of life, to be able to see that desire fulfilled.

M: What are a few lessons you are taking away from your time during graduate school?

G: It was a challenge to re-enter school after such a long time and one essential lesson I learned in the process is the importance of taking care of yourself, especially when it is difficult to find time to do so. Sometimes that meant releasing myself from the need to perform perfectly on a test, sometimes it meant eating a thoughtful, healthy meal, and sometimes it meant prioritizing time with my own counselor. This lesson has been a hard one for me to learn as someone who has been a caregiver to others for many years but it has greatly increased my ability to better care for others.

One beautiful lesson that lingers with me is that God has a big heart for those who are struggling. He longs for us to experience peace and wholeness and He understands that life on earth is difficult and sometimes confusing and painful. Struggling is not a disqualification for God’s affection and grace. That means so much to me as a struggling child of God.

M: What is your hope for the clients you see at the conclusion of a therapy session?

G: Each client is a unique individual and my hopes for each client are different. However, there are a few things I hope for every person I serve in counseling. I hope that they feel heard, understood, and highly valued. In addition to those essential elements, it is my heart’s desire that a client benefits from our time together, be it an insight, a safe place to discuss their thoughts and feelings, or progress toward their original goal for coming to see me.

M: What are some tips you would give someone who is in counseling in order to increase the odds of successful treatment outcomes?

G: The best way I know to increase success in counseling is to make it a priority. Consider it a potential investment in healthier relationships with others and yourself and/or a greater sense of peace and hope for the future. I’m not going to lie; it can be hard work to go to counseling. In my life I have found that hard work worthwhile, and I pray that is true for my clients, too.

M: Tell us how you relax and rejuvenate.

G: I am at my most relaxed when I am in the company of good friends or family. The pleasure of good conversation and laughter is enough to rejuvenate me from even the most stressful of days. I love watching independent films, trying out different restaurants, and any time I can be at sea on a cruise ship.

Swimming Against the Tide: Living Out Body Confidence in our World

by Alice Baker

Last month we looked at the truth about our bodies and our true image from God’s perspective:

We are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

God knit us together in our mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13)

Yet how do we live this out? We live in a culture obsessed with thinness and body perfection. Models are starved, digitally enhanced and then sold to us as the epitome of beauty.  When women get together it is not only the norm but also an expectation to talk about their need to lose weight, tone up, or eat cleaner.

But this is not God’s heart for us.

Look to him and be radiant; and you will not be ashamed. (Psalm 34:5)

So how do we live with body confidence?

The good news is there are some things we can do.  We must start with what is going on internally for us. We can shift our perspective from “I hate my thighs” to “my thighs allow me to run with my daughter in the park.”

Below are some daily strategies to empower us to live out body confidence:

• Daily, I can ask myself, “What do I gain from what I believe are defects in my weight and shape aside from anxiety, shame, and self-consciousness? How does this affect my ability to pursue my calling?”

• On my own or with the help from others, I will come up with 5-10 good qualities I embody, such as empathy, intelligence, creativity. I will repeat these to myself whenever I start thinking, “I am a failure because I am fat.”

• I will practice viewing others for what they say, feel and do rather than how slender or well put together they appear.

• I will challenge the media and avoid buying fashion and popular culture magazines in order to protect myself from the seduction of false images and propaganda that have no real meaning or value.

• I will surround myself as much as possible, with size-friendly people who value the human body and live out body confidence.

• I will not talk negatively about the appearance of others and will be bold to speak up when others do while always speaking the truth in love, of course.

• I will consider this: my skin replaces itself once a month, my stomach lining every five days, my liver every six weeks, and my skeleton every three months. My body is fearfully and wonderfully made!

• I will meditate on the truth’s God has given me about my body. I will diligently seek these out.

• Even when I am struggling to like my body, I will choose body kindness. I will give myself rest when needed, food when I am hungry, and boundaries when my body needs space.

• I will pursue inner beauty and be an individual passionately in love with Jesus who gives a light that cannot be duplicated by the best body, clothes, cosmetics or jewelry in the world. A carefully groomed exterior is artificial and cold unless inner beauty is present.

Allie Marie Smith says, “Like laughter, how you feel about your body is contagious. If you carry yourself and your body in a way that communicates confidence, security, and contentment, others will get this vibe and reciprocate the respect.”

Let us live out body confidence in our world so we are free to fully pursue what God has called us be while influencing those around us.

References:

Levin, M Body Image Strategies

Maine, M Ways to Love your Body

Smith, AM HEAL: Your diet-free, faith-filled guide to a fabulous life

Do We See our True Image in the Mirror?

by Alice Baker

Body Image is defined as an individual’s perceptions, feelings and attitudes toward his/her own body.

Psalm 139:14 says, I am fearfully and wonderfully made–my soul knows it very well.  Apparently David recognizes the brilliance of his Creator and praises his works.  His perceptions of, feelings for and attitudes toward his body reflect this.

Do we?

As women, how often do we treat our bodies with contempt?  “If I just lost this belly fat” or “Look at my flabby arms.”  If this isn’t enough our culture supports this with messages of losing 10 pounds in 10 days.  Celebrities are either put on a pedestal for losing weight or put on the stand for gaining.  When asked, 80% of 10 year olds are fearful of getting fat.  Over 50% of females age’s 18-25 would rather be run over by a truck than gain weight.  We are fighting a culture obsessed with and driven towards thinness.

Yet as Christians we are called to be countercultural, swim against the tide.  What does this look like in the area of body image?  First, let us see what God says about our body:

You were made in His image (Genesis 1:27).

He knit you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13).  God took His time in creating us. He labored over our design.

Your frame was not hidden from him (Psalm 139:15).

Your body is the temple of the sacred Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

It seems as if God is saying, “I gave you your unique DNA.  I have imprinted every cell of your body, and I call it beautiful.  Your body is wonderful, your frame is delightful, and your body is sacred.”  How might that shift our perspective?  How might we treat, talk to, see our bodies different in this light?  I believe as God’s chosen daughters, we are to live countercultural in this area of our lives.  When the world says nip/tuck, we say embrace/be kind to.  When the world says “you would be so pretty if you just lost…”  We say, “I choose to live the truth that the King is enthralled with my beauty right now regardless of my measurements.”

I am reminded of the famous missionary Amy Carmichael who prayed daily as a child for God to turn her brown eyes blue.  She was crushed He didn’t do so.  Then while entering her life’s calling and ministry to save children from the dangerous practices of the Hindu Temple, she realized her brown eyes were a powerful tool to draw the children to her.  Brown eyes were familiar to them, they felt safer.  God knew all along the plan He had for her, and her beautiful brown eyes were a part His detailed divine plan.

May we accept the beauty bestowed on us by our King.

Look to him and be radiant; and you will not be ashamed (Psalm 34.5).

Counselor Spotlight: Amy Shiver

by J. Michael Blackston, MA

We are excited Amy Shiver has joined our team of talented professionals. Recently, I had a chance to sit down with Amy to hear more about her heart for counseling.

Michael: Tell me about why you decided to enter the counseling profession.

Amy: I’ve always had a deep interest, care and concern in a person’s story. The questions I think about when I interact with someone are: Where do you come from? What happened along your journey? Where are you headed? I’ve entered this field because I feel my personality, strengths/gifts and desires are best used in building God’s kingdom as a counselor. It is my passion to journey with people and empathize, encourage, inform, and walk with them toward restoration and finding meaning and purpose.

M: What types of issues do you enjoy working with in the counseling room?

A: I am passionate about helping hurting people find hope. I enjoy working with men, women, and young people dealing with depression, anxiety, and relationship issues. I have a special interest in walking with those going through life transitions. I also have a passion for helping adolescence and adults with social and behavioral struggles. I am just as interested in working with someone who has faith in Christ, as with those who do not. Regardless, I believe people are looking for the same core things: value, worth, significance and a place to connect and belong.

M: What was your graduate school experience like at Webster? What were some challenges?

A: I was fortunate that my graduate program consisted of a very diverse group of people with whom I learned from and grew with as a counselor. This offered a very rich experience and brought many perspectives that I otherwise would not have experienced. It was a time that challenged and solidified my personal values, beliefs, framework and confidence that God has called me into this special role. One highlight consisted of learning under professors that practiced in many different clinical and private settings across the globe. Another highlight included working with a special population of young adults diagnosed with Asperger’s with co-occurring disorders. I was privileged to be trained in various techniques to work with and teach individuals how to observe and better understand behavior and self awareness. My time at Webster exposed me to many different therapeutic tools and strategies to help people in this capacity. A challenge I experienced during my time in graduate school was sifting through all of the known theories, therapies and techniques, pulling out the truths and usefulness in each, and matching them with who I am and how I work best to meet the needs of each individual client.

M: What do you enjoy doing for fun?

A: I enjoy traveling with my husband, spending time with my kids, reading and learning new things, hanging out with our family, and watching and playing all types of sports.

Finding Rest in the Terrain of Life

by Doreen Stelling, Spiritual Director

The hike promised amazing views of the Maine coastline.  That sounded good to me!  To get to the trail we first crossed a beautiful beach cove, took some pictures and stepped on the trail heading up.

My husband, Dave and I were on vacation last week celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary, and Acadia National Park was one of our stops.  We have hiked many mountain trails over the years.  Usually I enjoy the process of getting to the intended view, but this time I just wanted to get there!  The trail was labeled moderate, and I guess the other side was–but not the side we started on.  There was a lot of climbing and heaving yourself up rocks.  It has been a few years since I have hiked even a small mountain trail, and my 50-year-old joints were complaining.

This is supposed to be fun I told myself.  Why am I not enjoying this?  It’s an effort-filled hike, not a pleasant one.  I thought about how I should think about this as a metaphor for some aspect of life, or how I could lament my older, achier joints.  No, I just wanted it to be over with so we could get to the next stop on the map.

We finally caught a glimpse of the beach far below and took pictures.  Then we came upon some boulders that were made for sitting and taking in the view.  I was aware of the grumpiness building inside me and I didn’t want to ruin the hike for Dave, so I thought it wise to sit, catch my breath and nourish my body with a snack.  Slowly, I began to relax.  Slowly, my energy was being restored.  Slowly, I was reminded of the importance of stopping to rest.  But wasn’t the vacation our rest as we stopped from work and the daily routines at home?  Wasn’t this hike part of the stopping to take in nature? Well, yes and yes.  I realized in that moment the importance of taking the time to nourish one’s mind, body and or soul even in the midst of vacationing.  Five, 10 or 15 minutes can make a difference.  I can easily say that I had a refreshed perspective to continue the hike.  As we stood to hike on I thought about the importance of noticing what is stirring inside me.  When I do notice that I am about to make my life or someone else’s life more difficult, choosing a short break to be still, eat or close my eyes is a gift that I can give myself as well as those around me.

I guess the hike could be a metaphor if I want it to be.  Mostly, I am reminded simply to take breaks to be still, to be nourished, then continue to “hike” whatever “trail” I am on.

Breaking the Silence

by Erin Luginbuhl, M.A.

This week, millions of Americans will feel the pinch of the IRS on April 15th, if they haven’t already, while several politicians are slated to join the 2016 campaign field.  No doubt both topics will come up at the water cooler in passing small talk, despite the old adage which says it’s impolite to talk about sex, politics and money.  I often have sensed the awkward tension surrounding these culturally taboo topics.

Think of your own home for a moment.  Do you, as I sometimes have, inadvertently follow this adage, particularly in regards to sex and money?  Both carry much pleasure, pain, power and unfortunately shame.  According to author and researcher Brene Brown, shame needs three things to grow exponentially:  silence, secrecy, and judgment—the very things our cultural adage encourages.

Take, for instance, what Dr. John Chirban has to say in his book How to Talk with Your Kids About Sex: Help Your Children Develop a Positive, Healthy Attitude Toward Sex and Relationships.  In it, Chirban addresses the importance of having an ongoing conversation about sexuality with your children and notes most parents engage in “telegraphic exchanges”.  He provides an example of a father and child at a sporting event when the child notices a billboard for Viagra accompanied by a picture of a man smiling.

Chirban writes, “Your child asks, ‘What’s Va-gra? Vi-a-gra? What does that mean’ to which you probably can’t come up with a better response than ‘Let’s just watch the game!’  Though it may seem minor at the time, this communication essentially sends a telegram to your child that reads something like this:

DEAR CHILD—I’M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH TALKING ABOUT SEX (STOP)

PRETEND NOTHING HAPPENED (STOP)

DON’T ASK IN THE FUTURE (STOP)

SUPPRESS CURIOSITY (STOP)

XO—PARENT”

Though this seems like such a simple exchange, there truly are bigger ramifications—for silence and actions communicate just as profoundly as words.  In college, I recall reading one of Suze Orman’s many money management books and was struck by her words, “We all know that kids are sponges.  They don’t do as you say, they do as you do”.  Perhaps in your own home, your parents were silent on the topics of money and sex and, unknowingly, you have simply followed course.  Talking about sex and sexuality is hard, uncomfortable, and awkward, especially if you have yet to sort out your own understanding of its impact on you personally, but it’s not too late to offer your children and your family something different.

Dave Ramsey, financial guru, often praises individuals who call into his radio show for their debt free scream as they, specifically families with children, have chosen to change their family tree and offer an experience in which money now offers freedom instead of slavery.  In the same way, Chirbin offers suggestions and strategies to assist in creating comfortability and emotional safety as you engage your family in honest, healthy conversations about sex and sexuality.  For these very conversations can shatter the bonds of shame and secrecy and cultivate wholeness and life.

So, let’s lay to rest impropriety and rewrite that old adage which keeps us silent and offer something different to our children.  Let’s build open relationships that eradicate shame instead of encouraging it.  Let’s offer something different to our children that they might experience freedom as they move into the future.  Now that’s a topic worth talking about.

A Trip to Costco and a Lesson on Grace

by Rachel Blackston, M.A.

Our cupboards were bare.  I had just fed Hannah the heel on a loaf of bread with a small smidgen of peanut butter scraped from the bottom of the jar.  I was avoiding it…a trip to Costco.

We were on the brink of nap time so I knew the risks as I loaded Norah (7 months old) into the carrier and Hannah (age 2) in the large section of the cart.   “I’ll just run in and out in 30 minutes,” I said to myself as I gently tried to calm the part of myself that was overtaken by anxiety.

Once in the store, I knew I was headed for a danger zone when Hannah spotted the section of merchandise from Frozen.  “I’ll just let her out of the cart for a few minutes,” I thought to myself.  Fifteen minutes later, she was running up and down the toy aisle singing, “Let It Go” with a toy microphone.  I braced myself for the transition to move from the Frozen section to the frozen food section.   I attempted to share my rationale with my 2-year-old.  It was a total fail.  As I hoisted her back into the cart, she kicked and screamed, “I want Elsa, I want Elsa, I want Elsa.”  Being a good therapist, I tried to validate her emotions.  Her screaming only intensified.

With Hannah back in the cart, I began surrounding her with bulk items including a hot rotisserie chicken and an oversized box of diapers.   In my attempts to appease her, I opened an enormous package of animal crackers while I ran through the freezer section that felt like a walk into an arctic blast while my baby was dressed in a onesie.

I must have looked like a spectacle, and people weren’t shy in offering their comments.  Some just looked and said, “You have your hands full.”  Others offered parenting advice or looks of contempt.   Some people had nostalgia in their eyes.  One older gentleman said, “You are lucky.”  With Norah’s now overtired screams, I asked him more and he told me of his grandchildren that he’s never met because of an estrangement with his daughter.  I was touched by his openness, and my heart was moved as I saw the sadness in his eyes.

On a normal day, I would have felt shame when others looked at me in these moments when I wore my need and failures as a parent all over me.  However on this particular day, I decided to embrace my inadequacy.  I allowed myself to be present with others, taking in their kindness and practical help.  I had people offering to hold my baby and load items in my cart.  One particular interaction with a Costco employee brought me to tears.  Nearing the checkout line now 77 minutes into our trip, I mentioned to a man in a red Costco vest that I forgot the toilet paper and wondered where I could find it.   When he pointed to the back corner of the store, it felt like heading back there would be scaling Mt. Everest.  As he saw the look on my face, he nonchalantly asked my brand preference and proceeded to retrieve it for me.  I was stunned by his kindness.

Finally, as a stranger offered to help me load the van, my eyes welled with tears as I thought of the humility and love of Jesus.  I didn’t deserve kindness on that day.  My parenting was subpar, my boundaries were poor, my toddler wasn’t buckled into the appropriate section of the cart, and the trip was poorly planned.   I was a mess, but I left feeling loved and connected.  As I was reflecting on this story, I thought of words on a recent Lenten blog by Ann Voskamp,  And it all comes round like a circle — His grace that you accept for yourself — is the same grace you then extend to others — which then graciously circles back to you.”  God used these strangers to remind me of His radical grace and commitment to me, despite me.  

What’s In A Man?

by Lindsey Coates, M.A.

I’ve never been a man. That’s a pretty indisputable fact. I have found myself wondering often, though, what it is like to live in a man’s skin. I used to make gross assumptions based on cultural stereotypes and snide remarks from angry women, but I have come to realize those are pretty poor representations of men. Actually, seeing all men the same is a pretty poor representation. I would never tell someone to base their understanding of all women just by knowing me – that would be ludicrous!

Comedian Chelsea Peretti does a bit in her standup routine about what it must be like to wake up every day as a man. She wonders, out loud, if men just open their eyes in the morning and say, “I am awesome! People want to hear what I have to say!” That may be true for some men, but as I counsel men and get to know them on a deeper level, that seems to be another misconception. I like to read Esquire often because I feel like it gives me a glimpse into what men are being told to do. Men’s magazines are just as patronizing and ridiculous as women’s – sometimes even more so! I have felt so much more compassion towards men when I have seen that they are given the same cultural mandates that I am given as a woman, just with different packaging.

I recently re-watched the movie Nine. It is a brilliant film that received no press when it was released in 2010. Nine is the story of Guido (played by Daniel Day Lewis), an Italian movie director who is tortured by his own self as well as the women who have rotated in and out of his life. Throughout the film, Guido runs from every situation and into the arms of another woman to solve his problems. He is confident, witty, chic, and handsome on the outside, but insecure, terrified, and manic when he is alone. He can’t sleep, can’t work, and begins to drown in his own demons.

The character of Guido got me thinking…what is it like to be a man? What is it like to live in the image God created for man – to exude strength, compassion, leadership, servanthood, paternity, and childlike faith all at the same time? That seems like a pretty tall order to me. In a culture where we receive so many paradoxical messages about what it means to be a man – “Be sexy”, “Be tough”, “Be sensitive”, “Be in shape”, “Be resilient”, “Be anything and anyone but who you are…” – what is a man supposed to do?

In this new year, I have been challenged several times to focus on who I am becoming rather than what I have done. I wonder what that would feel like if I were a man. I know the challenges and gifts of femininity, but I can’t help but wonder if other men struggle like Guido – trying to be everything everyone wants them to be to the extent that they don’t even know who they are or what they are becoming. My prayer for all of the men I know this year, and even for the ones I don’t know, is that they are able to live into who they are becoming, and not what Esquire says they must become.

Living with Longing

by Sarah Born, M.A.

I didn’t grow up in a liturgical church, so a few years ago when friends started talking about Advent, I felt a little lost. Little did I know, I was already on a journey that would put me right in a church that is highly liturgical–in the Anglican tradition. That in itself is a story for another day, but the point is that the church calendar has been gaining a lot of significance in my life.

According to the church calendar, three Sundays ago we ushered in the New Year with the start of Advent. I’ve come to understand that Advent, a word that means “coming”, is a season of anticipation and longing. As the calendar plays out the story of Christ, this season provides anticipation of the day we celebrate his birth. It also reminds us that we are still longing for his second advent–the time when he comes again and all things are made right.

Anticipation and longing describe experiences that are so familiar to me. You see, as a counselor, I hear stories of suffering, pain and struggle that cry out in anticipation and longing for things to be made right. So this year, as we entered the season of Advent, I recognized those familiar “companions” that so many of us feel all year-round. It’s sort of like wondering if Christmas is every really going to come.

Anticipation and longing are really appropriate experiences of this time of year. We live in the middle of a story unfinished so we must anticipate and we must long for something more. Recognizing this has calmed my urge to avoid the discomfort of anticipating and longing. It is appropriate and belongs–and provides hope because it reveals the story isn’t over.

Be Still

by Doreen Stelling

My work hours have changed this fall.  Instead of a random part-time schedule set by me, I am working full-time, Monday through Friday.  This has changed my weekend experience significantly!  I have found that physically I am not too worn out, but rather, mentally and emotionally I am depleted.

I am blessed to have a husband who pitches in around the house a great deal.  As many of you know (especially if you have children at home) there is always laundry to be done, bathrooms to be cleaned, errands to catch up on, piles of “stuff” to sort through, and for a person like me, alone time, quiet time, self-care time to attend to.

If I don’t incorporate self-care I will surely implode!  My threshold for patience, empathy, love and capacity will be significantly lowered.  Self-care looks different for everyone.  It depends a lot on a person’s personality.  What refreshes one person doesn’t do a thing for another.  Most of us need exercise.  I need and crave alone time.  I want time to do my own thing.  BUT, I really need alone time with the Lord, Jesus.  I might sit down with a book about Jesus, or about spirituality or the Bible.  During this time I lay all the burdens and exhaustion I feel before him.  I tell him like it is, the good, the bad and the ugly.  He tells me like it is from his perspective.  I like to sit quietly to “listen” and just be still.  This is difficult for the human mind!  Thoughts fly in and out at rapid speed or we wander into a daydream.  This is okay though.  As my Spiritual Director once told me, “Jesus doesn’t condemn you for that, he just likes it when you turn your face back to him.”  Quoting from one of my favorite authors, Philip Yancy says in his book The Jesus I Never Knew, “We sometimes use the term “savior complex” to describe an unhealthy syndrome of obsession over curing other’s problems (or our own I might add).  The true Savior, however seemed remarkably free of such a complex.  He had no compulsion to convert the entire world in His lifetime or to cure people who were not ready to be cured.  In short, Jesus showed an incredible respect for human freedom.  ‘Take up your cross and follow me’ Jesus said, in the least manipulative invitation that has ever been given.”

Jesus is so kind and receptive to messy-minded people like me.  He doesn’t force his ways on us. He understands our humanity.  When I sit with people in spiritual direction I say that this is a time to hit the pause button, stop all the doing and practice just being.  This doesn’t have to happen just in spiritual direction, but can be practiced any time, any place.  It’s more important than ever for me on the weekends to take time to pause.  With the help of my spiritual director, I have learned to listen and to notice the movement of God in my life.  I have learned and am still learning to lay all things at his feet…everything from chores to relational conflict to self- doubt to celebrations.  This is good self-care!

“Be still and know that I am God,” says Psalm 46:10.  Be still my body, my mind, and my soul, and the true Spiritual Director, Jesus, will mysteriously give me perspective and moment-by-moment strength through his Holy Spirit.

The Parable of the Pornographer

by Lindsey Coates, M.A.

Last week, my brother sent me an email with a link to a sermon by Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City. It may not seem odd that a brother would email his sister a sermon, but it may strike some people that the sermon was about sex or, more specifically about “Love and Lust” referencing Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:27-30. To provide a little context: my brother and I are five years apart in age and we are both single. Over the past year or so, we have begun to open up to each other about the differences in being single as male and female, and in different stages of life. He had gleaned a lot from this sermon, so he shared it with me in hopes that I would be able to benefit as well.

On the same day that I listened to Keller’s powerful words about sex, I also happened to watch a documentary from my Netflix cue titled After Porn Ends, a film that follows some of the men and women who have left the adult entertainment industry and are now trying to live “normal” lives. Like many people, I have always had my own perceptions and assumptions about the people who have sex on camera, and I have worked with clients who have come out of prostitution. I have heard of the heartbreak, addiction cycle, and sometimes-fatal consequences of working in the pornography industry, but I have never heard the voices of the performers themselves.

I learned so much from this 90-minute film. I learned about the Pink Cross Foundation, which was developed by a former pornographic actress who now commits her time and resources to helping people get out of the industry that almost consumed her life. I learned that the women who were interviewed entered the adult entertainment industry either out of financial desperation or being tricked, and that the men who spoke got into it to “prove something” about themselves. I learned that one man’s estimate of the number of partners he had sex with on camera was “at least 3,000 women”. I also learned from another male interviewee that the porn industry seemingly offers men and women “immortality, validation, and credibility” for “one bright, shining moment” but it all actually turns out to be “a death wish”.

These facts just scratch the surface of what I learned about life in the pornography business, but what struck me most was how similar the actors’ and actresses’ words were to Tim Keller’s in his sermon on sex. Keller refers to sex as a creation of God, meant to be enjoyed and delighted within the context of a covenant. He notes that sex used as a marketing tool for relationship ends in debilitating shame and even in abuse. John Leslie, former adult entertainment “superstar” said that “sex loses its mystery” when staged and filmed. One former porn actress said that “porn is worse than prostitution” because it is publicly viewed and even the cameramen are engaged in the process, causing further shame for the actress.

On the surface, it may seem that Keller and those who were interviewed in the film were discussing very different topics: one talking about lust and sex and the others talking about an entire sex industry. But are the topics really that different? As I reflect on my own story and the stories of people whom I have worked with, I hear the same voices of shame, hopelessness, confusion, and pain. I think of spouses who have been rejected in the bedroom, single men and women who want to know what to do with their sexual desires, people who have been unfaithful or who have been cheated on, the spouse who has a sexually explicit past but is too scared to tell anyone, the sex addict, the spouse or partner of a sex addict, the person who judges the sex addict because they are afraid of their own sexual desires…the list is so long.

No matter what the struggle looks like, it is clear to me that there is a lot of pain and confusion around what, I believe, is the most intimate and vulnerable part of each of us. There is truth to be found in even the most unlikely of places, whether that is from the pulpit or in a film about former porn stars. What matters is that we keep talking so that shame does not continue to grow in the darkness of silence.

Colorful Perspectives

by Marcia Butcher, M.A.

It is quite amazing how even happy couples can sometimes see things so differently. I was reminded of this just the other day, when my husband and I were selecting paint for the living room of our new home. Or perhaps I should say trying to select paint.

We were excited about decorating together, and even though we had a shared desire and goal, it did not prove to be quite as simple as we had expected. As it turned out, we could look at the same paint sample and see things quite differently. To him, one shade looked blue-gray, while to me it was clearly very sky-blue!

I paused and thought about other occasions when couples look at the same issue–whether it be money, parenting, in-laws, sex–but see it from different perspectives. We might do well to consider that our partner is not (necessarily) just being obstinate! They may just truly see it differently.

In the same way that my husband’s eyes and brain interpreted the paint sample distinct from mine, a person’s life experiences and personality may allow them to look at something and process it entirely differently than you. I could not talk my husband’s eyes into seeing sky-blue instead of blue-gray!

But that wasn’t all that was revealed. No only did we see the same paint sample differently than each other, we also saw it differently ourselves! Depending on the light and the time of day, and even the other colors against which the sample was held, the color could look slightly different to us.

Not only is it important to remember that the content of an issue may be seen differently by other people, but also the context in which we view the issue can alter our perception. Many factors shape our perception–the stories of our lives, our inherent personality, our birth order in our family of origin, or even what we ate for breakfast that morning! No wonder communication can be so tricky at times. In the light of so many reasons for potential misunderstanding, it takes time, energy, and grace to work towards understanding one anothe

Living in the Ordinary

by Erin Luginbuhl, M.A.

I’m behind the times.  Hashtags aren’t a natural part of my vocabulary and I don’t typically peruse “trending topics” in my social media newsfeed, yet recently I stumbled upon a mother’s heartfelt letter as I clicked my way through a shared article on Facebook.

Written almost seven months ago, Renee Robinson’s “A Letter to My Sons (the real reason I say no to electronics)” explores being present in relationship, something many struggle with in this age of busyness and electronic stimulation.  More often than not, the events of every day get glossed over; yet, this idea of being present in them is not simply a trending topic.

Playwright Thorton Wilder captured such an idea in his work Our Town, written in the 1930s.  Touching on relationships and everyday life, the most notable lesson is displayed in the play’s final scenes.  After realizing she has the power to relive any day she desires, the deceased Emily Webb chooses to go back to her 12th birthday.  Before making this decision, her deceased mother-in-law exhorts her to choose any day, as it will be special enough.  Grieved by what she sees in her return, Emily asks the stage manager, “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?—every, every minute?” to which he responds, “saints and poets, maybe”.

Within Our Town, characters realize what was missed in the face of loss, and often it is only from this vantage point we find our perspective disrupted enough to enact change.  Author, speaker and researcher Brene Brown highlights a similar point in her work The Gifts of Imperfection, writing, “I think I learned the most about the value of ordinary from interviewing men and women who have experienced tremendous loss such as the loss of a child, violence, genocide, and trauma.  The memories that they held most sacred were the ordinary, everyday moments.  It was clear that their most precious memories forged from a collection of ordinary moments, and their hope for others is that they would stop long enough to be grateful for those moments and the joy they bring.”

And so, throughout the year iCalendar reminders, Facebook feeds or memories tell us to stop and remember certain people, places, or events in our past—all of which is good and right.  Yet, we have the opportunity to gather stories every day in our daily lives.  Little fragments of what seem to be merely mundane activities pieced together create a glorious story to be remembered and treasured.

Several years ago, I returned to the U.S. after spending time in China.  While attending a seminar geared to help individuals leave well, the speaker challenged how I’d been living life.  Too often I said no to casual get togethers because stacks of papers waited to be graded and lessons needed to be planned.  Even in the midst of being with people, to-do lists ran like a news ticker through my mind, causing me to miss relationships in front of my very eyes.

At the time, my counselor said, “We make time for the things that are important to us” and my conditioned internal response was “in theory”.  Obligations and responsibilities loomed large on my internal radar and crowded out these ordinary moments to rest in the comfort and companionship of my community of friends.  How often I was physically present, yet mentally and emotionally elsewhere.

In Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning writes, “it is through immersion in the ordinary—the apparently empty, trivial, and meaningless experiences of a routine day—that life/Life is encountered and lived.  Real living is not about words, concepts, and abstractions but about experience of who or what is immediately before us.”

How do you embrace these moments of the ordinary?  Perhaps that’s a hashtag to create.