The Parable of the Pornographer
by Lindsey Coates, M.A.
Last week, my brother sent me an email with a link to a sermon by Tim Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City. It may not seem odd that a brother would email his sister a sermon, but it may strike some people that the sermon was about sex or, more specifically about “Love and Lust” referencing Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:27-30. To provide a little context: my brother and I are five years apart in age and we are both single. Over the past year or so, we have begun to open up to each other about the differences in being single as male and female, and in different stages of life. He had gleaned a lot from this sermon, so he shared it with me in hopes that I would be able to benefit as well.
On the same day that I listened to Keller’s powerful words about sex, I also happened to watch a documentary from my Netflix cue titled After Porn Ends, a film that follows some of the men and women who have left the adult entertainment industry and are now trying to live “normal” lives. Like many people, I have always had my own perceptions and assumptions about the people who have sex on camera, and I have worked with clients who have come out of prostitution. I have heard of the heartbreak, addiction cycle, and sometimes-fatal consequences of working in the pornography industry, but I have never heard the voices of the performers themselves.
I learned so much from this 90-minute film. I learned about the Pink Cross Foundation, which was developed by a former pornographic actress who now commits her time and resources to helping people get out of the industry that almost consumed her life. I learned that the women who were interviewed entered the adult entertainment industry either out of financial desperation or being tricked, and that the men who spoke got into it to “prove something” about themselves. I learned that one man’s estimate of the number of partners he had sex with on camera was “at least 3,000 women”. I also learned from another male interviewee that the porn industry seemingly offers men and women “immortality, validation, and credibility” for “one bright, shining moment” but it all actually turns out to be “a death wish”.
These facts just scratch the surface of what I learned about life in the pornography business, but what struck me most was how similar the actors’ and actresses’ words were to Tim Keller’s in his sermon on sex. Keller refers to sex as a creation of God, meant to be enjoyed and delighted within the context of a covenant. He notes that sex used as a marketing tool for relationship ends in debilitating shame and even in abuse. John Leslie, former adult entertainment “superstar” said that “sex loses its mystery” when staged and filmed. One former porn actress said that “porn is worse than prostitution” because it is publicly viewed and even the cameramen are engaged in the process, causing further shame for the actress.
On the surface, it may seem that Keller and those who were interviewed in the film were discussing very different topics: one talking about lust and sex and the others talking about an entire sex industry. But are the topics really that different? As I reflect on my own story and the stories of people whom I have worked with, I hear the same voices of shame, hopelessness, confusion, and pain. I think of spouses who have been rejected in the bedroom, single men and women who want to know what to do with their sexual desires, people who have been unfaithful or who have been cheated on, the spouse who has a sexually explicit past but is too scared to tell anyone, the sex addict, the spouse or partner of a sex addict, the person who judges the sex addict because they are afraid of their own sexual desires…the list is so long.
No matter what the struggle looks like, it is clear to me that there is a lot of pain and confusion around what, I believe, is the most intimate and vulnerable part of each of us. There is truth to be found in even the most unlikely of places, whether that is from the pulpit or in a film about former porn stars. What matters is that we keep talking so that shame does not continue to grow in the darkness of silence.
