by Marcia Butcher, M.A.

It is quite amazing how even happy couples can sometimes see things so differently. I was reminded of this just the other day, when my husband and I were selecting paint for the living room of our new home. Or perhaps I should say trying to select paint.

We were excited about decorating together, and even though we had a shared desire and goal, it did not prove to be quite as simple as we had expected. As it turned out, we could look at the same paint sample and see things quite differently. To him, one shade looked blue-gray, while to me it was clearly very sky-blue!

I paused and thought about other occasions when couples look at the same issue–whether it be money, parenting, in-laws, sex–but see it from different perspectives. We might do well to consider that our partner is not (necessarily) just being obstinate! They may just truly see it differently.

In the same way that my husband’s eyes and brain interpreted the paint sample distinct from mine, a person’s life experiences and personality may allow them to look at something and process it entirely differently than you. I could not talk my husband’s eyes into seeing sky-blue instead of blue-gray!

But that wasn’t all that was revealed. No only did we see the same paint sample differently than each other, we also saw it differently ourselves! Depending on the light and the time of day, and even the other colors against which the sample was held, the color could look slightly different to us.

Not only is it important to remember that the content of an issue may be seen differently by other people, but also the context in which we view the issue can alter our perception. Many factors shape our perception–the stories of our lives, our inherent personality, our birth order in our family of origin, or even what we ate for breakfast that morning! No wonder communication can be so tricky at times. In the light of so many reasons for potential misunderstanding, it takes time, energy, and grace to work towards understanding one anothe