How to be Home for the Holidays After Therapy

By Angela Burleigh

So….you’ve started therapy or some other form of self-reflection, and you’ve begun to realize that there were harmful patterns of behavior and communication in your family of origin that have led to some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms, negative beliefs about yourself, or relationship strategies you use today. You might have instinctively felt like something was off before, but now you have better words to describe how you are affected by it.

And now that you know, going home for the holidays can be harder than it’s ever been before. 

If this is you this Thanksgiving and Christmas season, I’d like to offer a few thoughts that I often tell my clients as they are headed home to those people and places that hold some wounding. Not all of these suggestions will work for every situation, so use discretion depending on your family and where you are at in your journey.

Have Patience with Yourself

First of all, instead of approaching the holidays with the mindset of calling-out or changing a life-time of a specific unhealthy pattern with a family member or system, understand that it’s not going to change overnight (or ever, for some unfortunately). 

If you find yourself reverting to your old way of engaging your mother, father or family, it’s ok. Just like they aren’t going to change overnight, neither will you. Even if you’ve made wonderful progress at engaging your other relationships in healthier ways, it’s always going to be hardest to make those changes with your parents or others who were pivotal in how your brain was ultimately wired during your formative years. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself feeling like you’re a 7-year-old or 15-year-old all over again when a parent dismisses you or criticizes you in the same way they have always done. Or when your brother or sister pulls all their usual tactics to get you defensive and frustrated. 

Curiosity and Fact-Gathering

Instead of getting upset at yourself for responding like you always have, try to take the viewpoint of noticing the patterns in a new light with curiosity. If it helps, take a journal and write down how some of the interactions went when you get a free moment. Take note of what was said and done, how you felt, and how you responded. This will be great material to go over with your therapist after the holidays. 

It’s also something you can take to God and ask Him to meet you in:

“Father God, you see and know how I’ve always felt small and overlooked in my family. Be with me in this. Help me see my family, the patterns, and myself as you see them. Heal me. Heal us.”

“Well, of course!” 

When I was in graduate school, an alumni shared with me that she would often say “Well, of course!” when she found herself engaging in a self-protective pattern she had learned from childhood. I have often found myself taking this posture towards myself or recommending it to others. 

“Well, of course I shut down when my dad interrupted me! I was really excited to tell him about my new job promotion, and it felt like he didn’t care when I told him. That would hurt anyone. Shutting down is the only way I ever learned to respond to this.”

“Well, of course I felt guilty when my mom made that comment about my skirt being a little short. I’ve had a lifetime of being told I wasn’t good enough for anyone, including God. I know now that’s not true, but of course my brain and body is still responding as if it is.” 

Having this posture doesn’t lead to simply excusing yourself and never growing. Instead, it actually gives you the room to make headway in the area that’s hard for you. 

It’s a lot like how God’s grace also works: when we realize (and believe) that we really and truly are completely forgiven for our sin, we then have more power to actually live like Jesus did. 

Practice ways to respond in your head after the fact

Whenever a family member engages with you in a harmful way, think about how you could have responded differently. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do so right away. Instead, just think about it. Rehearse it in your head, on paper, or with a trusted friend. Eventually (and there’s no set time on this), you may just actually find yourself responding in that way one day. 

“You know mom, it hurts when you say that.”

“Dad, would it be ok if we could talk for a little bit without the TV on? I’d love to get your opinion on something.”

“Sis, when you say that, I get confused and I feel like there’s no way I can really respond in a way that you’ll feel loved.”

Depending on how frequently you interact with your family, everyone’s level of self-awareness, and/or how resistant to change they are, it could take a while before you’re able to say those words out loud. Again, that’s ok. Perhaps you could set a loose goal for yourself like “ok, at some point in the next year, I’m going to try to gently tell my dad that it hurts when he teases me”.  

I also like to tell people that this might come out all jumbled and “imperfect”. That’s ok too. It always takes practice to learn a new skill, and it’s ok to bungle it up. 

Additionally, it doesn’t have to be a long drawn-out conversation where you tell your family member everything they’ve ever done to hurt you. It can be as simple as a sentence or two, gently telling them how something affects you, and then if it feels appropriate, gently asking if they could do something different.

The person might not respond well and may do exactly what you feared they would do. THAT’s OK. Their response doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have said it. (They might also surprise you and respond with understanding and a willingness to apologize or change.)

Plan a Buffer

There’s only so much of a harmful pattern or system we can take. And we may already be entering the holidays worn out from other circumstances. Depending on the severity of your family system and where you currently are emotionally this year, you may want to consider:

• Staying in a hotel or with a more neutral friend or family member

• Limiting the number of days or time spent at home or with a particular family member

• Planning something enjoyable or restful to do after your trip in order to recover, decompress, journal, pray, etc.

• Adjusting what you do with a family member to minimize the opportunity for the hurtful pattern to emerge (ie. Not being alone with that family member or doing an activity rather than one-on-one conversation) 

• Taking breaks when you need them. Pay attention to your body’s clues. If you are dysregulated (shut down, amped up, etc.), practice self-soothing strategies to get your prefrontal cortex back in control. 

And if needed, don’t be afraid to consider that maybe you aren’t ready to return home this year. Perhaps you’re still in a pretty raw stage of therapy and it might be better to get a little further down the journey before attempting a visit home. This is also 100% OK.

In closing, I want to make sure to mention that just because a family member or system has an unhealthy and hurtful pattern, doesn’t make it irredeemable or not worth being part of. Yes, there are certainly evil parents and families out there that may be absolutely necessary to have strict boundaries around or to cut ties with. If that’s you, my heart is with you, and I pray that you will find yourself with a new, loving “family” one day. 

Many families, however, are not that way. No one escapes life unharmed. No family system is perfect. But some people and family systems have capacity for change, especially when we first begin to change the way we interact with them and become healthier ourselves. This will always be disruptive at first, but there’s potential for real beauty and restoration as we change and invite our family to change with us. 

And so, wherever you might find yourself this holiday season, may Christ’s peace and presence go before you and fill you every step of the way.

---

Angela is an Orlando-based therapist who works with a variety of clients, including ones who want to navigate relationships, process and heal from trauma, or work through anxiety and depression. Angela also has specific training in Perinatal Mental Health (postpartum depression, traumatic birth, pregnancy loss, etc.) and EMDR and has a background in overseas missions.  To learn more or inquire about scheduling with Angela, click here.

Talking About Our Past: The Necessary Path to Healing

By Ashleigh McLeod

"Do we really need to talk about that?” “I've already let go of my past, so there's no need to go there." "What does that story from childhood have to do with my current situation?" 

These are common responses from clients when I’ve encouraged them to explore a painful memory or a negative childhood experience. These are valid responses. Some therapeutic approaches do not press into our past stories. While some of those approaches possess clinically significant interventions, I would argue that attempting to circumvent our past often hinders our ability to evaluate the roots of where our struggles began.

Starting the journey of deeper growth and healing inevitably confronts us with our past. The stories we’ve carried with us often remain unspoken, quietly shaping our present. When sitting with clients, I often express that talking about our past is not simply about recounting memories — it’s about understanding how our bodies (particularly our brains), emotions, and styles of relating have been impacted by our families of origin. The way we process our stories plays a significant role in reshaping our emotional health and relationships. Exploring and understanding our past is crucial to determining our future.

While our bodies implicitly hold the past, the brain is constantly reshaping itself through new experiences. Our past memories, emotions, and learned behaviors create "grooves" in our brains – neural pathways. When we have negative experiences early in life, these pathways can become deeply ingrained, making it more difficult to change how we think, feel, and behave. By revisiting our stories in a safe therapeutic environment, we activate these neural pathways and can begin reshaping them – our brains can develop "new grooves". When we reflect on our past, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking, works with the amygdala, which controls emotions, to process and reframe these experiences. This process helps us reduce reactivity and change deeply ingrained patterns. Additionally, through sharing in the presence of a safe space, we transform isolated, emotionally charged experiences into coherent narratives allowing us to make sense of them logically and connect them to our sense of self, thereby, reducing the power they hold over us.

What we have learned in neuroscience only confirms the decades-old findings of Bowlby and others in Attachment Theory – that the quality of our early relationships, particularly with caregivers, plays a foundational role in shaping how we relate to others throughout life. These early attachment relationships shape us in how we relate, handle conflict, and regulate emotions. By reflecting on stories from childhood, we can begin to understand how they affect our present interactions and attachment patterns. Additionally, the therapist-client relationship can become a model of secure attachment, where we can safely be vulnerable, express emotions, and revisit painful memories with the support we may not have received as children. This secure connection facilitates emotional attunement as we are re-parented and develop a greater sense of self-worth.

As logical as we think we are, our emotions govern how we have made meaning of past experiences and, therefore, determine the lens through which we see our current situations and anticipate our future. Exploring our stories isn't about dwelling on pain or the past, but rather helping us connect the dots between where we’ve been and where we are so that we feel more empowered for where we want to go. By sharing our stories, we reclaim them, and in doing so, we set the stage for emotional healing and growth. Healing happens through connection — not only with others but with ourselves.

Narcissistic Systems: Perpetrators, their Protectors, and their Prey (Part 2: The Path Forward)

By Kat Wilkins

Narcissistic Systems: Perpetrators, their Protectors, and their Prey (Part 2: The Path Forward)

In the previous post we spent time describing the pattern that plays out when onlookers come to the defense and protection of an abusive person and ignore or even attack the victims. If you’re reading this and have not yet read Part 1, please consider going back and reading that here first. 

So now that we’ve explored the three main roles of perpetrator, protector, and prey, what does recovery look like? I have some ideas and thoughts to offer based on each character’s unique challenges and situation. 

Some of these thoughts come from my training and decade-long experience as a trauma therapist. Some come from my personal journey of navigating through this kind of abuse. 

As you read on, please remember that these are just ideas; there are certainly many paths to recovery, and everyone’s journey will be different. No one can put a timeline or agenda on your healing. 

An Invitation
When I wrote this article and the outlines below, I imagined it as a kind of invitation much like a paper invitation you might receive in the mail for an event. There are guidelines, like, say, the dress code, theme or what the weather will be like for the event. But you get to choose what you do with it –how you respond, whether you attend, and how you might dress or what you might bring, as well as how long you stay. Similarly, I hope that you see the ideas written here as an invitation where you get to choose how you engage, what you take, and how it might guide you. 

Disclaimer to Readers
Before I share some of these possible paths to healing, I want to acknowledge that this is hard work. It takes immense courage to walk through the pain, harm, and darkness. It’s simple to give recommendations; the act of actually taking any of these steps in your life requires patience, bravery, and a whole lot of support. 

A Word to Survivors
As I sit here typing this, I’m thinking about each of you who will read this, especially victims (or “survivors,” if this word is preferable for any of you). I feel deep gratitude that I get to say some things to you, and the weight of this opportunity to help you step into compassion and healing. Thank you for being here, and for spending time with these words and thoughts. I also feel such tenderness toward you for your courage to be here, now, today. I hope you know that even reading these words, you’re embodying honesty. I’m imagining that you’ve been through so much. Your body has had to carry much. There aren’t a lot of guarantees. But as I picture you and what you might be carrying as you read this, here are a few promises I hope I can share with you: 

1. You can’t do this alone. The harm that has been done to you in a community requires a (probably different) community as you heal. Can you think of even one person who is a safe, compassionate presence for you? Perhaps you consider saying to that person in some way, “thank you for being my friend. I’m going on a tough healing journey. Would you be willing to support me in _____ way?” Support systems can include friends, family, colleagues, medical providers, therapists, and so on. I offer periodic abuse recovery groups and would love to see if this might be a good fit for you. Contact me about potential groups here.

2. You are not alone. Even if you can’t think of one person to be a safe supportive presence, I want you to know that there are others like you, who are enduring unimaginable pain and longing for wholeness. One option for connecting with other survivors is to join a cohort with Broken to Beloved, an excellent nonprofit.

3. You are worth loving. It’s ok if you don’t believe this. I’ll believe it for you. 

4. There is immense wisdom in you. My years of working with clients has convinced me that our bodies inherently know when things aren’t right – and how to heal. One of my favorite forms of trauma treatment is EMDR, which harnesses the ability your body already has to heal, but gives it the space and safety to be able to do so. Reach out to me to see if you may be a good fit, or to read more about EMDR here.

The Path Forward
Below, you’ll read lists of what recovery or healing might involve for each category we’ve discussed up to this point. Please keep in mind that they are not exhaustive, but merely starting points and suggestions. I hope they are helpful for you on whatever journey you’re on.

If some of it is hard to read, I hear you. If this is you, consider taking a few deep breaths. Take care of yourself and please only take what is helpful for you. Leave the rest. I hope some of these words can meet you where you’re at.

The Prey (victim-survivors)

1. The abuse wasn’t your fault. It’s some of the very best things about you –your kindness, goodness, tenderness–that were taken advantage of by your abuser. Your abuser likely used favoritism and flattery at times to earn your trust and prevent you from feeling free to confront him. This is common.

2. Take as much time as you need. There is no shortcut around the process of healing. As mentioned above, no one else gets to put a timeline on your recovery.

3. Your story is worth listening to. Gabor Mate said that “trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” Empathetic witnessing means holding your story/experience without rushing to fix, solve, minimize, bypass, or shame you. Consider who might be an empathetic witness to your story (this can include a therapist).

4. Your body is worth listening to. Your body carries in you all the things you’ve been through. Trauma gets stored in the body and can present in symptoms such as depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, flashbacks, self-doubt, shut-down, anger, inflammation, chronic pain, and more. Healing often includes reconnecting with the painful parts of being a body and learning new and safe ways of being with yourself and attuning to your own experiences. Explore more about how embodiment is necessary in trauma recovery here.

5. You don’t have to be perfect. Making mistakes doesn’t validate the harm that was done to you. Nothing can excuse the abuse you suffered. You will stumble and struggle–and that’s ok. 

6. All parts of you are welcome. Living in the narcissistic system likely meant that parts of you weren’t safe to be seen and known. Healing can include meeting or re-meeting all the parts that you had to disown in order to belong for a time in that orbit. 

The Protectors (who defend the narcissist)

1. Begin the work of naming the harm done to you in your past. As trauma begets trauma, so does healing beget healing. The more you’re able to bring light and healing to the dark shameful places in your story, the more natural it will be to transmit kindness and care to others instead of transmitting your pain, reactivity, and harm. This is trauma work, and should be done with great care in the presence of someone trained and equipped to hold it with you. 

2. Listen to the ones you’ve harmed. They are the best people to tell you what repentance, taking ownership, and perhaps even reconciliation should look like. Don’t demand that they engage with you – but don’t let that stop you from taking ownership. Doing this well will require managing your own reactivity and learning to be a listener. Be a listener to victims of all kinds of abuse. Read reputable experts on topics of abuse. Practice empathy for all kinds of people who have suffered abuse. Get professional help as you try to do this. Be slow, gentle, and curious. 

3. Develop the ability to self-reflect. Honestly ask yourself, “what have I done?” without defaulting to either pole of defensiveness on one side or self-loathing on the other. This means grounding in the wise adult part of you that knows that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s not only possible to take responsibility, but also can be freeing rather than crippling. This step will most likely require the help of a good therapist or knowledgable mentor. 

4. Look with curiosity at the why of your complicity. What was it about the situation that made it simpler, safer, easier to side with the perpetrator? What benefits did you gain by siding with power? What would it have cost you to stand up with the victim against the harm? What in your own personal life story would help you more deeply understand your harmful actions or failure to take a stand? As you do this work, be curious about your own wounds or unmetabolized shame that may have led you to (or contributed to your staying in) the orbit of the abusive person as an ally: was it a need for belonging, power, to be seen, to feel important? Narcissists prey on these needs and use them to rally enablers around themselves. It will be helpful to be curious about the interdependent dynamic between you and the narcissist. What needs did you try to meet through your relationship with the narcissist in some way? These questions must be asked with deep compassion, probably alongside a safe person, such as a therapist. 

5. Take responsibility for the harm you caused, and its impact. Own the ways that you became responsible for harm by taking the side of the abuser, and further victimizing the victims. This is truth-telling to yourself, which might be the beginning of other forms of truth-telling, and thus, a step of healing. This means being curious and courageous. You will need a village of kind, patient, compassionate, but honest and brave people to help you do this because there will be times you feel you can’t even stand up under all the weight of what you’re facing.

The Perpetrator (Narcissist) 

This one looks different from the previous two, simply because a narcissistic perpetrator won’t be influenced or swayed by a list like this. It may be wishful, fantastical, magical thinking that moved me to even consider trying. So, instead, I’d like to mention just a few things I wish the narcissistic abuser from my story could hear me say. Here goes:

1. I’m really angry at you. And that’s okay. But one day, if we ever meet again, and you’re ready to take some ownership, I hope I can welcome you with warmth and weeping and grace. Not because you deserve it, but because I want to be a person who lives like that. For myself and my integrity, I will keep doing my own work that enables me to hold the tension of “what you did was unconscionable” with “I can still long for goodness in agony, beauty in devastation, truth over terror, justice for the vulnerable, and change for the unchangeable.”

2. I want so much more for you. Living with the armor you wear, the poisonous darts you throw, terrified of being found out–this is a really sad existence. I wish you could experience the warmth of vulnerability, empathy, and connection. The freedom of being your true self, and of being loved underneath all the thick, prickly, toxic skin you wear.

3. You needed to be cared for too. Your enablers should have held you to a higher standard, and showed the courage it takes to speak truth to power. They could and should have helped minimize the damage that you caused. They bear a huge part of the responsibility for the harm. They utterly failed you and that’s not right.

The Narcissistic System
Just as harm happens in a system (whether it’s a family, institution, church or organization), so the healing must include the system as well. Here are some ways a system that has become narcissistic might work to heal:

1. Start by listening. Listen to the people who have been harmed. The people you’ve written off as “bitter” or “difficult.” Listen to writers and speakers who are well-trusted within the abuse survivor communities (see footnote 6). who have studied abuse and its impact on survivors and systems. Hire an outside expert to assess your system, and give them access to everything. No secrets.

2. Publicly take ownership for the systemic harm. Be direct, specific, and do not dismiss or minimize the harm that has been done. Do not coddle or make excuses for the perpetrator.

3. Identify the sickness in the system: patterns of reactivity, including conflict, withdrawal, and triangulation. This will need to be an outside job; the people within the system are too close to assess it accurately.

4. Practice transparency and humility as a whole. You lose the right to institutional privacy when you violate the vulnerable.

5. Provide care for victims and other members. Freely give access to resources, therapy, and systemic healing.

6. Begin a process of reconciliation and reparations. Go overboard in generosity and compassion. There is no such thing as being too kind, generous, or compassionate.

7. Know that working toward systemic health never stops. It’s a long-term process that requires intentionality, patience, and creativity.

As I conclude these thoughts, I think back to the scenarios at the start of the first post in this series. The suffering victims who are left alone and confused about the harm done to them, and why no one seemingly cares or sees. If you’re one of those, I hope some of these words have helped you–even in your bones–feel seen and heard. 

Your abuse wasn’t your fault. I’m so sorry about the things that happened to you. You deserved so much better. 

On my own healing journey from spiritual abuse, I’ve come to see a lot of things differently. One of those is prayer. While I used to see prayer as more or less talking to God about specific things, I now tend toward a wider, broader definition–that prayer can include a big whole-bodied longing for something such as justice and healing, and a trust that my Creator knows the words I’m not sure how to speak. Perhaps all of the words above are a prayer. At times as I wrote these words, I’ve felt in my body a wild, shaking, crying for justice. At other times, it’s felt more like a surrender of things I have no control of. Mostly, it’s been a still, quiet tender ache for you, the victim, the survivor–the displaced, distressed, disenfranchised, disheartened, downcast, and downtrodden. 

As I pray in this way, through these words, I find comfort in the belief that the abuse I endured, and the abuse you’ve endured, aren’t something our Creator ever wanted for us. Perhaps because of what you’ve gone through, particularly if it was done in a religious institution or in the “name” of God, this may not resonate for you. That’s ok. Remember, the healing journey will look different for each one of us. You are allowed to be exactly where you’re at. I’m so grateful to have gotten to share these things with you. Thank you for being here. Wherever you are on your difficult journey, may you know that your pain matters, that you’re worth listening to, and that you’re filled with wisdom and the capacity for healing. May that give your body the space to breathe in a little deeper at this moment. Please reach out if I can support you in your journey forward.

Notes:

(1) In a foreword written by Gabor Maté for Peter Levine, In an Unspoken Voice (Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books, 2010).

(2) Wade Mullen, Chuck DeGroat, Diane Langberg, Laura Anderson, Scot McKnight and Laura Barringer are just a few worth mentioning.

(3) Organizations such as GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in Christian Environments) or Pellucid Consulting can be hired to make organizational assessments. For families, consider hiring a systems therapist (hi!) who has experience working with narcissistic family systems.

(4) The book Pivot by McKnight & Barringer, describes a lengthy process of developing and maintaining healthy systems, particularly in spiritual settings.

_____

Kat is an Orlando-based trauma therapist who specializes in spiritual trauma, narcissistic abuse, and complex trauma. Her clients have taught her that pain can be a pathway to healing. She offers trauma intensives and telehealth therapy, as well as consultations for individuals or organizations. Read more about Kat here.

Kat can be reached at katwilkinscounseling@gmail.com

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Narcissistic Systems: Perpetrators, their Protectors, and their Prey (Part 1: Identifying the Roles)

by Kat Wilkins

“As a child, I was abused by a family member. But when I tried to tell my parents about it, they blamed me and defended the family member. I felt so confused.” 

“When I confided to a coworker that my boss sexually harassed me, the coworker defended my boss and criticized me. I don’t understand.” 

“My pastor (who is also my boss) treated me harshly on multiple occasions. One day, he yelled at me in public. But when I spoke to church elders about it –even one who saw him yell at me, they told me the pastor was just being ‘intense’ and that I needed to stop gossiping about him.”

Each of these scenarios above has three categories of characters:

1. The perpetrator (we’re focusing on narcissistic offenders specifically) (1)

2. The protectors (those who defend the narcissist) 

3. The prey (the victims of the initial harm)

This article isn’t about those specific scenarios above, but about more generally, what happens when a person with power does bad things and the people around him or her deny and defend the bad behavior at the expense of the ones who have been hurt, abused, and harassed (the “distressed, disempowered, disheartened, downcast, downtrodden”). 

It’s about how common it is for perpetrators (in particular narcissistic abuse perpetrators) to be defended and protected by the people around them. It’s also about the larger system at work, which I’ll refer to as a narcissistic system, that perpetuates this kind of harm. (2)

There are numerous public stories of abuse (Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Larry Nassar, The Catholic Church, the SBC, the Boy Scouts of America–I could keep going). It is from these kinds of stories that we can observe and describe the pattern that often plays out: when a leader or powerful figure “falls from grace,” and evidence (which often includes multiple accusations) reveals a hidden life of bullying, assault, abuse, or other crimes, it’s not uncommon for observers to rush to defend the accused. 

People say things like, “I know this guy. He would never do something like that.” In the early years of accusations against Ravi Zacharias, family members and organization leaders denied the evidence and even went on to sue a victim of Zacharias’ sexual exploitation. (3)

Let’s make this personal for a moment: maybe you have never been in a grand-scale story like this (though some of you, like some of my clients, have). But have you ever tried to tell someone that they hurt you, or that you didn’t like something they did or said, only to have them:

1. Deny that they did anything wrong (“I never said that.”)

2. Attack you and your character (“You are too sensitive.”)

3. Turn the whole situation around so all of a sudden they are the victim, and you’ve hurt them (“I can’t believe you would do this to me?”)

 (This is known as DARVO and can be read more about here.)

And taking this one step further - if you tried to tell other people about that person’s treatment of you, have you ever been blamed, attacked, or minimized by them, too? This can look like:

(you might need to take a deep breath before reading this list)

“He’s just intense.”

“You are overreacting.”

“You’re being paranoid.”

“You need to forgive him.”

“Just turn the other cheek.”

“You are being too sensitive.”

“You must be reading into things.”

“You need to think the best of him.”

“Are you sure he meant it that way?”

“You need to look at your own self first.”
“Did you do something to provoke him?”

“You’re blowing things out of proportion.”

“No one’s perfect. You shouldn’t expect him to be.”

“He treats you that way because he cares about you.”

“I can’t believe you’re telling me this. Stop gossiping.”

“We’re all sinners, so you should be gracious with him.”

“I’m sure he didn’t realize how his actions made you feel.”

“You are trying to ruin this family/organization/church/group.”

“You took something really small and made a huge deal out of it.”

“Well, you must have done something to cause him to treat you that way.”

“You’re probably stressed out right now; don’t let it cloud your judgment.”

If you’ve experienced any of these types of responses, I’m so sorry. It is disorienting and painful to be treated this way. And the commonality in these responses is that they, at best, minimize your concerns and at worst, attack you for raising them.

I know this type of pain personally. When my family left a church where my husband was working, we made it clear to church leadership that we had concerns that the lead pastor was abusive. In the coming months, here are some ways the church leaders and members responded that follow the pattern described above:

1. They denied we’d been harmed at all, let alone abused. 

2. They told outsiders that we were abusing them.

3. The lead pastor broke down weeping and fell to the floor right after the vote passed to “excommunicate” us. We heard from multiple church members that the clear message leading up to these events was, “don’t ask questions because it’s going to hurt the lead pastor even more. He’s the victim here.” Learn more about our story here.

Did you catch that? The whole narrative somehow transitioned from us attempting to point out the problems in the system and in his leadership, to all of a sudden, according to the entire church body, we were the perpetrators and he was the victim.

What we didn’t know then, was that we were operating within something called a narcissistic system. 

Let’s define our terms. First, what is a narcissist? This word gets around a lot these days. But narcissism isn’t simply someone arrogant or grandiose: 

Narcissism describes when a person cannot tolerate or absorb any form of shame - even “healthy shame” (4) that would enable them to self-reflect and take ownership or accountability.

For example, if someone you love comes to you and says, “You really hurt me when you said ______,” the hope is that even if you feel defensive or misunderstood, you eventually are able to let that “sting” (of shame or guilt) enter in–that feeling that says, “Ohh! I hurt this loved one and I hate that I did that. I want to make this right.” (5)

Most people will eventually be able to get to this point. A narcissistic person, however, will be very resistant to it; instead, he will do everything he can to avoid self-reflection and accountability. (6)

A narcissistic system, then, occurs when a narcissist manipulates the group dynamics to serve his own needs. Other group members then adopt roles that reinforce the narcissist’s self-image and thus become enablers and defenders.

This means that as the narcissist relates in his sphere, there is an interdependent, mutually-reinforcing dynamic that takes place. Since the narcissist is unable to take in shame and determine whether to absorb it or to cast it off (which would require honest curious self-reflection), he must off-load the shame to others at all costs. 

A narcissist off-loads shame through blame, criticism, manipulation, and controlling behavior. All of these function to protect him from shame. 

This is why something known as projection can be common for narcissists –projection is a psychological defense strategy where a person might accuse others around him of things that he is incapable of seeing in himself. Thus, the very flaws he critiques in others may be true about him. As it has been said, “a narcissist’s accusations are often his confessions.” (7)

An example of this might be an employer accusing an employee of poor work ethic, when the employer is actually the one often avoiding work duties or taking superfluous time off while everyone around him makes up for his inconsistency. Another example might be a partner who blames his spouse for cheating while engaged in a secret affair himself. It should be apparent that this kind of behavior would be disorienting and confusing for a victim. 

Here’s a question I often get about narcissistic people: “Are they doing it on purpose?” The answer is yes and no. When the narcissist uses projection, for example, he may not be capable of the self-reflection needed to identify what he is doing. It happens underneath his conscious awareness as a long-held protection strategy. But please don’t confuse that with meaning that he’s not responsible for his actions, or that there isn’t a design behind his behavior. He absolutely is responsible. And there is absolutely a design to his behavior.

Part of the design, or function, of this behavior is to create self-doubt and self-blame in the other person so that he doesn’t have to take accountability or ownership. I have worked with multiple clients who have found themselves in marriages with partners who do this – and again and again they ask themselves (and me), “How could someone act like this?” “Maybe I’m the problem?” “How did I not see the signs sooner?” “Is it my fault?” 

Please hear me say this again: this self-doubt and confusion are exactly what narcissistic behavior is designed to elicit. The fact that people “fall for” a narcissist’s manipulations does not mean there is something wrong with them. It often means there is something right with them–their goodness, humility, kindness, and empathy lead them to assume the best of the other and self-reflect in humility. These are some of the things the narcissist takes advantage of. 

The many clients I’ve treated over the years who have found themselves in the orbit of a narcissist have taught me that it is often the beauty in them that was preyed upon by abusers. They have been some of my best teachers of the subtle evils of narcissistic abuse. The very people who have been victimized are often the very kinds of people who are willing to self-reflect and take ownership, even to an extreme–leading them to wonder if it is all their fault. It’s a tragic symptom of narcissistic abuse to doubt yourself and have difficulty seeing where the true blame lies. 

You might think about it this way: if the narcissist can keep the focus of attention on you (through deflection, denial, attack, criticism, etc), then it’s off him, and so he is safe from the very feelings of shame that he is so terrified of. This fragility is why you might sometimes see narcissists struggle with depressive episodes or suicidal ideation. (8)

When the narcissist has power in an environment where he's spent months or years off-loading shame to those around him, the people who find themselves in his orbit operate around him in a lack of differentiation (meaning, an inability to have a strong, solid self that is open to being impacted, but able to stand firm against manipulation or reactivity) (9). For example, in a church where elders work with a narcissistic lead pastor, the elders have learned to not only absorb the shame that the narcissist must repel, but to protect him from it to begin with. What he cannot bear, they bear for him, even proactively. 

Subsequently, in this kind of system, the responsibility lies not only with the narcissist, but with the men or women around him who proactively act as linemen to cushion him from accountability. (10)

A narcissistic pastor–or parent, or boss, or partner, or any kind of leader–may never have to tell his defenders to protect him - they know, at a level beneath their conscious awareness, that this is their job. In a church system for example, this makes it really difficult for a complicit elder to see anything other than "I'm supporting this really good–but imperfect, misunderstood–pastor.” 

The system gets stuck in a gridlock where the narcissist underfunctions (ie. fails to take appropriate responsibility), and the people around him overfunction (ie. cushion him from accountability and critique). It becomes mutually reinforcing, and is very hard (if not impossible) for the victim(s) to affect change in this pattern.

This is also why in a family, siblings may defend a narcissistic parent and reflexively blame or attack the child who is voicing concerns about that parent (this is sometimes called scapegoating). This is painful and confusing for a person trying to do the right thing, while also feeling that something isn’t right in the family dynamic.

People who learn how to navigate around a narcissist’s fragility can't acknowledge or point out his mistakes (as would be healthy). Remember, the strategy of a narcissist is to avoid any kind of shame, since he cannot tolerate it. So the narcissist and his protectors will see even minor criticisms as a brutal attack, and so, something they have to fight.

In my own story of church abuse, mentioned earlier, when my husband and I gently critiqued the narcissistic pastor, the elders' default was to defend him and attack us. Throughout the weeks-long process of church discipline and excommunication, as well as the subsequent months and years, the narcissist has to date refused to take ownership of even one part. In fact, he reportedly recently told someone that his only two regrets from the whole thing are that he was too kind to us, and that he was too patient with us.

Thus, the mechanics of abuse will progress long after the narcissist may have left the system. The “machine” can go on without his active coordination, because the system already functions to protect the leaders' reputation at all costs.

I've sometimes pondered how in abusive environments, people can say "wow this got blown up - the guy wasn't all that bad." When in reality, it's because without knowing so, they are playing a part in the abuse machine. 

So in a way, they're right - the narcissist may not be a big scary abusive evil bully - the reality may be that he played a small but crucial part in the bigger abuse picture that they are perpetuating. 

Maybe you’re reading this and you’ve experienced this kind of harm yourself. I’m so sorry.

Maybe you’re reading this and you are realizing you are a protector of a narcissist and a denier of the harm.

Maybe you’re reading this and wondering if you are a perpetrator.

Please know there is a path forward. My hope is that in the next part of this two-part article series, we will gain some insight into what the path for healing and recovery might look like for all three of these categories that we’ve identified thus far: perpetrator, protector, and prey. 

(1) Not all abusers are narcissists, but for our purposes we are focusing on narcissistic systems. For more information on narcissism, read “It’s Not You” by Ramani Durvasula. For more on specifically abusive men, read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft.

(2) While most of the phrasing in this article will refer specifically to church leadership systems (pastors, elder boards, etc), these concepts can apply to any system (group of people)--including a family, organization, institution, or even friend group. In addition, though I use male pronouns throughout the article for simplicity, not all narcissists are male.

(3)  See more about the RZIM lawsuit against a victim here.

(4) Some prefer to use the word “guilt”

(5) Some of these categories are informed by the work of Jim Wilder, specifically the chapter on narcissism in “The Other Half of Church.” More detailed study on shame can be found in Patricia DeYoung’s book, “Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame.”

(6) Narcissism can occur on a spectrum, and it’s possible to observe narcissistic traits in a person’s behaviors. This is not equal to a formal mental health diagnosis, such as NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) as outlined in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual-5. In addition, this post is not meant to be used as therapy or as a substitute for therapy.

(7) Source unknown. I attempted to find the original quote, but was unable.

(8) By the way, I don't know a person who has narcissistic traits that also doesn't have developmental (early life) trauma. Trauma begets trauma. This doesn't mean we don't hold him fully responsible for his actions. But it means that abusers need care too. In church settings, abusive people need to be pastored–just never at the expense of the victim. I’ll share more on this in Part 2 when I explore what healing can look like.

(9) Some church systems explicitly teach members, using scripture, not to trust yourself, to trust your leaders, and to be "a joy to the pastor." (that is a CJ Mahaney quote).

(10)  My word there was originally “linebackers” but I had to google “football” and ask a friend for the right word for the position I was thinking of. My description was basically, “it’s the guys who run and protect the guy from the ball from getting tackled.” In my defense, I’m Canadian. Football was not my sport until Taylor Swift joined the NFL.

_____

Kat is an Orlando-based trauma therapist who specializes in spiritual trauma, narcissistic abuse, and complex trauma. Her clients have taught her that pain can be a pathway to healing. She offers trauma intensives and telehealth therapy, as well as consultations for individuals or organizations. Read more about Kat here.

Kat can be reached at katwilkinscounseling@gmail.com

X - @wilkins_kathryn

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Easter Hope in the Counseling Room

By Ivan Kaufman

Easter is my favorite holiday. For many people, Easter conjures up images of bunnies, egg hunts, or an excuse to hand out one of life’s greatest joys – chocolate. While all of these things may indeed bring delight, they are not what makes this season the source of our greatest joy. Easter is about the story of life’s first hope, which cannot happen apart from the dark reality of death.

As I anticipate the coming season of Easter, I think of a client I have been working with since the Fall of 2021. I asked my client if I could share this story as a message of hope. She graciously agreed. This woman came to my office seeking help with a history of sexual trauma and spiritual abuse. She had years of therapy under her belt, but still struggled with feelings of judgment towards her body, heart, and story. In my experience I have found that both of these types of abuse can look remarkably similar and have profound impacts on our psyches. Both types of trauma influence the ways that we move towards relationships with ourselves, others and towards our Creator. 

A year and a half into our work together, we were processing shame she was presently experiencing. It was April — the week leading up to Easter. We were talking through her feelings that were triggered by a current life stressor that were linked to the memories of her past sexual trauma. Of course, this story and shame were not new to her. She had been processing many of these experiences and memories for years of her life. Our conversation was focused less on the details of the story, and more about what was happening inside her body and heart. In these contexts, it’s important to remember that while traumatic events happen to you, trauma happens inside of you, disintegrating your connection with self, others, and even God. 

I’ll pivot for a moment. In my own life, I have been significantly shaped, both personally and professionally, by the work of Dr. Dan Allender. He’s worked extensively in the field of spiritual and sexual trauma and has made invaluable contributions in the counseling field. Allender’s book The Wounded Heart explicitly engages sexual trauma, while also provides psychological insights to the ways in which such experiences impact a person’s connection with their world, themself, and God. Regardless of a person’s faith background, many can still resonate with the idea of a Higher Power, similar to the non-denominational God of Addicts Anonymous, and the dysfunction that comes from being disconnected from such power. 

As I worked to be present with my client, I could sense God impressing something on my heart. I sensed that He was inviting her to a deeper healing related to her beliefs about Him and her beliefs about herself. And in that moment I decided to confront the lies that had taken root in her life that were distorting her reality. The image of God is central to our humanity. What is most true of us is that we have dignity at the core of our being, because we are God’s children. Abuse does not have the final say and therefore cannot win. I began to cry with my client as I imagined parts of her that have died coming alive. We were out of time, and I left the session and surrendered my client into God’s good and loving hands. 

When we met again, it was the week after Easter and I immediately noticed something seemed different about her face. Her eyes seemed lighter and filled with hope. Her circumstances had not changed, but I pressed her with curiosity about this difference. I don’t remember exactly what she had said, but it was something along the lines of, “you were right.”  She proceeded to share that she had left our meeting and gone home to read every Gospel account of the resurrection. Here was a woman who had experienced so much harm from men and the church, yet searching for the true Jesus. 

She shared that Mary Magdalene resonated with her most deeply — a woman so devoted to Jesus that she was mentioned in all four gospels. A woman whose rescue from demon-possession resulted in undying devotion to Him. A woman with a substantial history of trauma, to whom Jesus chose to reveal himself first when he rose from the dead. My client said, “I have experienced new life in Him.”

While this new understanding didn’t change the abuse she endured, she was beginning to experience a new sense of freedom. Sexual and spiritual trauma wounds us deeply, and these wounds often lead us to condemn ourselves, and become disconnected from the God who loves us. This separates us from experiencing the healing that we so desperately desire. But the truth of the gospel is deeper still. 

This Easter will be especially meaningful for me as I reflect on the privilege of bearing witness to my client’s courage to find the true Jesus amidst so much violence against her body and heart. I saw the glory of Living God in her face that day as she realized the dignity within herself and her deep need for the cross. In the face of trauma, we develop adaptive strategies for our survival to keep us safe. My client got a glimpse of a different type of safety that day, one that emerged from being deeply known and deeply loved. As I think of this encounter with my client, I am reminded of the women on Easter morning who went to the tomb in order to care for the dead body of Jesus and encountered the two angels telling them that Jesus was raised from the dead. My client’s story is evidence to my heart that He is Risen! 

Q & A with Dustin Kegeris

We are extremely grateful to have Dustin join our team at Redeemer. Dustin sees clients at our Maitland and Winter Springs Offices. If you're interested in scheduling an appointment with him, please contact our office at 407-405-7677.

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF: 

A Midwesterner at heart, I spent the first 22 years of my life in central Illinois. When I met my wife in college, a Califonian, this brought us to the west coast for several years. Our ministry career eventually led us to move overseas and begin the adventure of raising a family abroad. 

When we returned to the States, we landed in Orlando where I had the opportunity to complete my Masters degree and make the transition from vocational ministry to mental health counseling. My wife and I, along with our three children, are so grateful to settle into this new season of life and call this city our home.

Favorite family tradition

Pizza Fridays. Whether it’s making pizza from scratch, or visiting the frozen pizza aisle after a busier week, we always look forward to finishing the week with pizza and sometimes a movie together.

favorite orlando resturant

Don Julio. I’ve tried Mexican food in almost every state and several countries outside of the U.S. I still haven’t found a place that serves up a meal like Don Julio. My family probably downs 10 baskets of chips and salsa each visit . . . at minimum.

What did you do before becoming a counselor and/or what drew you to this field?

Before becoming a counselor, I worked in parachurch ministry stateside and abroad focusing on college students. I had the opportunity to interact with an incredibly diverse audience, and greatly benefited from learning about different cultures around the world. Hearing others’ stories—both the joys and hardships—began to stir in me a desire to hear more about how our experiences have shaped who we are today. This, as well as learning to process my own story and the seasons of grief, joy, and so much more led me to pursue the field of counseling.

Do you have particular areas of interest as a counselor?

I have spent time in a variety of ministry settings, and have had the privilege of sitting with those who are in vocational ministry or have transitioned away from it. I have a particular interest in working with clients who have experienced trauma, grief, or stress connected to the various seasons of change.

Advice for anyone considering counseling? 

I’m glad that the stigma of mental health counseling has decreased in recent years, but I am also aware that it still exists in some places. The hardest step of can be taking the time to look for a counselor and make that first call. Our mental health is connected to our daily lives, but it is often the last thing we prioritize. By prioritizing your mental health—even with the sacrifices you will make to do so—will have a significant benefit on other areas of your life. It is worth every bit of the effort.

Q & A with Madeline Allen

We are delighted to welcome Madeline to our team of counselors at Redeemer. Madeline will be seeing clients at the Downtown Orlando office. If you're interested in scheduling an appointment with her, please contact our office at 407-405-7677.

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF: 

I’m originally from Dallas Fort Worth, TX. I lived in Memphis, TN for three years after college working for a college ministry, and moved to Orlando, FL three years ago to pursue my Masters in Counseling at Reformed Theological Seminary. I got married last year right after graduation and just celebrated our first anniversary this past May! I’m introverted but can come across as an extrovert. I’ve been described as passionate, intense, but also goofy and warm!

CATS OR DOGS? 

Dogs for sure! I have two puppers at home that are wonderful.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? 

Chocolate! I especially love sea salt caramel chocolate, or spicy chocolate.

MORNING OR EVENING? 

Definitely a night owl. Mornings can be a struggle but I’m learning to appreciate quiet mornings.

WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE YOU BECAME A COUNSELOR? 

I worked on staff with Campus Outreach for three years in Memphis, TN. I was the regional financial coordinator, but also got to plan events, and meet with staff and students. I also was  part of a ministry that worked to serve forgeign exchange students from all over the world attending the University of Memphis. I absolutely loved getting to know these students and helping them get acclimated and connected in the States!

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? 

Like I mentioned earlier, I love finding food or coffee spots in any new city I’m in! I love the environment and experience these shops offer. I also love exploring the outdoors, movie nights with family and friends, good Mexican food, painting with watercolor, horseback riding (on rare occasions), deep conversations with friends and chilling on the couch with loved ones!

WHAT ARE YOU PASSIONATE ABOUT AS A COUNSELOR? 

I am most passionate about walking with people as they become “alive” again and experience who they were created to be and what they are created for. Trauma can feel like death in so many ways, and can make you feel alone, hopeless and stuck. One of the most important things for me as a counselor is to offer the hope of something better! It's also very important to me to provide a steady, safe and compassionate place for this exploration and transformation. 

I love working with all kinds of people from different walks of life. Given my experiences as a hispanic woman and a former ministry staff, I am especially passionate about anyone in ministry or struggling with spirituality, and those experiencing minority stress and trauma. I also have a special heart for those struggling with anxiety, as that is something I have personally wrestled with.

ANY ADVICE FOR SOMEONE CONSIDERING COUNSELING?

I want to first say that counseling takes great courage and commitment to start! If you are considering counseling or are in the process of seeking counseling, then you have taken an enormous step that deserves recognition! When I first started counseling, I remember feeling that my struggles and pain were not “bad enough” to deserve counseling, which left me feeling alone and stuck for so long. When I decided to go to counseling, I saw that counseling was just as much for me as it is for someone else, and that it is helpful for a variety of different struggles. I didn’t have to prove my pain was worthy of help - the fact that I was experiencing it was qualifying enough for me to seek and receive help.  I would say to someone struggling with similar thoughts, that you qualify for counseling simply because you are a human being who is asking for help!

Secondly, I would say finding the right counselor is similar to dating. Counseling is a partnership in many ways that requires trust, honesty and safety. It may take time to find the right fit of someone you feel comfortable with and trust, and it may take some time before you feel comfortable with a counselor. But don’t give up! It is worth the search to find someone who you can partner with to bring freedom and transformation in your life.

Polyvagal Theory: Mapping Your Nervous System

Kat joined the Redeemer Team this summer, and we are so excited to have her on board! She is accepting new clients at our downtown office. If you are interested in scheduling, please call 407-405-7677 or email Kat directly to request more information.

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By Kat Wilkins

(Information for this post paraphrased or quoted from The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation by Deb Dana). To download a PDF guide to the Personal Profile Map Exercise click here.

In this post, you'll learn a bit about Polyvagal Theory (the science of how we feel safe in relationships and environments), and learn how to "map" your own nervous system. The aim of this exercise is to provide new awareness of what your system is sensing around you, and how that impacts your ability to connect safely to yourself, your environment, and others around you.

What is Polyvagal Theory?

Polyvagal Theory was founded by Dr. Stephen Porges in the late 1960s. Deb Dana is largely responsible for bringing its application to the therapy context, and in her book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, Dana describes Polyvagal Theory (PVT) as "the science of safety": "the science of feeling safe enough to fall in love with life and take the risks of living. Polyvagal Theory provides a physiological and psychological understanding of how and why clients move through a continual cycle of mobilization, disconnection, and engagement." (emphasis mine). (p.xvii)

The Three Organizing Principles of Polyvagal Theory:

1. Hierarchy (aka the "ladder") - the autonomic nervous system responds to external/internal stimuli through three biological pathways, in a particular order, and is commonly demonstrated with a ladder image, as shown above. These three pathways are the dorsal vagus (immobilization), the sympathetic nervous system (mobilization), and the ventral vagus (social engagement and connection) (Dana, 4).

2. Neuroception (aka "magic antennae") - the term "neuroception" was coined by Stephen Porges, and refers to the ways our nervous system responds to safety cues and danger cues. It's like having magic antennae that are constantly scanning (6 times per second, actually) your "inside, outside, and between" (inside your body, the environment outside your body, and what's happening between you and other people). Different from perception, neuroception occurs deep underneath the conscious level of awareness. (Dana, 4).

3. Coregulation - This describes the process by which a nervous system is reciprocally regulated (brought back to "safety") in the presence of a safe "other" (caregiver, parent, etc). PVT sees co-regulation as an imperative in a person's ability to sustain life through being enabled to move into safe relationships and meaningful connections. (Dana, 4).

Personal Profile Map

Warning: Since this map includes specifics about your own nervous system states and responses, it is common for this to be a disruptive activity at times. I highly recommend doing this exercise with a trusted friend or therapist - but however you do it, please take some time to tune in to how you're doing. I strongly encourage you to take breaks as needed.

Now that we've covered the basics of Polyvagal Theory, let's consider an exercise of creating your own "personal profile map." When I do this with clients, I call it "mapping your nervous system."

It may be helpful to do some grounding for your system before you begin.

Let me invite you to take a deep breath in through your nose.

Hold that breath in for a few seconds.

Then, slowly exhale through your mouth.

Repeat as needed. (Feel free to skip any of this - you're in charge of your own body and how you move through this experience).

What we're attempting to do when we "regulate" or "ground" is to provide your system with as many safety cues as possible, as well as bringing your attention toward noticing those safety cues, and allowing your system to respond.

I invite you to take a few deep breaths before you begin. Take a moment to notice your breathing. Notice what the air feels like going in through your nostrils - notice the temperature.

Look around you in the space you're sitting in, and name out loud 5 items plus their color.

"The lamp is gold. There is a purple book next to me. The plant is green and brown. My shoes are gray. My chair is black."

When or if you're ready to move forward, let's begin.

1. Take a moment to draw a ladder like the one above, with 3 spaces. This is your nervous system map. As you move through the steps, feel free to be as creative as you want. You can write or draw with a pen or pencil, but I recommend that you use colored markers, as colors can evoke emotion and stimulate your system in a way that can add depth of meaning to the exercise.

2. As we cover each of the three spaces (in the order listed below), ask yourself these questions:

• What emotions am I experiencing when I'm in this state? Eg. happy, ashamed.

• What thoughts might I have when I'm in this state? Eg. "I'm bad," "I'm ok."

• What might my body be doing in this state? Eg. curled up in my bed, open/closed posture.

• When I'm in this state, how would I finish the sentence, "The world is _____?" (Eg. closing in on me, exciting, invisible)

• When I'm in this state, how would I finish the sentence, "I am _____?" (Eg. unloveable, alone, not good enough, OK, stuck, free)

• What physical landscape does this state feel like? (Eg. a cave, a sunny meadow, rapids)

• What color does this state feel like?

• What is my sleep/eating/substance use like when I'm in this state?

THREE NERVOUS SYSTEM STATES (start with middle, then bottom, then top):

1. Sympathetic nervous system: Start in the middle of your ladder. Recall a time when you felt mobilized, like there was too much energy pulsing through you. You might feel overwhelmed, scared, worried, anxious. Consider this experience only long enough to let your body taste it enough to begin mapping it.

2. Dorsal vagal: Now go to the bottom of your ladder. Recall a time you felt disconnected, or a sense of collapse. Your system doesn't have enough energy to function, and might be shutting down. You might feel hopeless, distant, unmotivated, or a lack of interest. "Dip your toe" into this feeling just a bit, and then begin to map it.

3. Ventral vagal: Now move to the top of your ladder. Remember a time you felt a warm feeling of well-being. Perhaps it was just a moment, or a prolonged experience. The world feels safe enough, you feel ok enough, and are generally safe to connect to yourself and others. Let this feeling fill you now, and begin to map it.

Once you've completed your map, take a step back and take it all in.

Notice in this moment, what state are you in? We ended our exercise with the ventral vagal state (top of the ladder) on purpose - but is your body still in that state?

Perhaps it isn't. Perhaps your system has moved you back into immobilization - you're feeling unmotivated and alone. Or, perhaps you're back in the middle of your map - you're feeling the stress of the day, and your body is pulsing with anxiety or tension. If so, perhaps you can begin to notice what "danger cues" (real or perceived) your system might be responding to.

Wherever you're at, my hope is that you've learned a bit about your own nervous system today in a way that increases curiosity and compassion. Perhaps you move throughout your day with more awareness of the present moment. Let this invite you to respond to your nervous system without judgment. When you're dysregulated (in the middle or bottom of your map), this means your system senses danger of some sort. Perhaps you can be curious about the story your particular nervous system might be telling you, and what it might need in order to safely connect and engage in your world.

Interested in learning more through therapy?

If you're considering therapy, feel free to reach out to me or any of the Redeemer counselors through the Redeemer website or by calling 407-405-7677. We would love to see if we might be a good fit for you and your therapy needs.

(Please note that this information is not a substitute for therapy. If this has disrupted you in any way, consider how you might find a safe person or therapist to process this with. Redeemer counselors are available and would be happy to hear from you if you'd like to explore therapy options).

Is EMDR for Me? And other frequently asked questions

We are thrilled to welcome Rebeca Gilbert to our team of therapists at Redeemer. If you are interested in scheduling with Rebeca or learning more about the Redeemer counselors who offer EMDR services, call our office at 407-405-7677.

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By Rebeca Gilbert

In a documentary series released on May 21, 2021, entitled “The Me You Can’t See,” Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry interview and have open conversations with athletes and stars like Lady Gaga, Glenn Close, and two NBA players about mental health. 

As a part of this documentary, Oprah and Prince Harry also open up about their own mental health and share personal stories. For example, in the 5th and 6th episodes of the series, Prince Henry shares the trauma surrounding the death of his mother. He states, “ I can safely say that losing my mum at the age of 12, and therefore shutting down all of my emotions for the last 20 years, has had a quite serious effect on, not only my personal life but my work as well. I have probably been very close to a complete breakdown on numerous occasions.” 

In an effort to decrease mental health stigma and educate more people about health and healing, Prince Harry allows the viewers into one of his own Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) sessions. 

As you can imagine, when the documentary was released, interest increased in the therapy Prince Harry received for anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). As a result, I began receiving questions about EMDR as people were curious about this treatment. They wondered if, like Harry, EMDR could help them. 

Have you been curious about EMDR and are trying to decide whether to pursue it for yourself or a loved one? If so, please consider this compilation of questions I receive most frequently as a certified EMDR clinician. 

What is EMDR?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is an evidence-based therapy that is effective in addressing PTSD and trauma. This neurologically-based approach helps the brain move through stuck places, thoughts, memories, and body sensations by using eye movements (or tapping, pulsars, and other alternating stimuli).

According to The EMDR International Association, “the goal of EMDR therapy is to completely process the experiences that are causing problems, and to include new ones that are needed for full health.”

Is EMDR a reputable type of therapy?

This therapy, developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980s, has been empirically studied and recommended by major health organizations worldwide for the treatment of trauma and PTSD. 

For further information including research articles & citations, please review this resource:

Is EMDR compatible with my Christian worldview?

Yes, EMDR can use a client’s faith and spiritual beliefs as a strength and resource. This would be determined and discussed in the beginning stages of EMDR preparation. 

My clients often have new or deeper experiences with Jesus during EMDR. Personally, I have witnessed Christians have deep EMDR sessions in which they were able to connect the truths that they knew in their minds in a new way. In my own work (as a client), EMDR helped me heal in ways that allowed me to move forward trusting in God’s care and provision more fully. 

Likewise, many clients and peers who are not religious and would not identify as Christians, state that EMDR is a very spiritual experience. 

Is it a form of hypnosis?

No, you are fully aware and conscious during EMDR therapy sessions. 

Can you do EMDR online?

Yes, EMDR can be done virtually as shown in Prince Harry’s EMDR session.

There are several ways to administer EMDR online including eye movements, sounds, and self-tapping. I have been using virtual EMDR successfully for the last two years. 

What does the EMDR therapy process look like?

There are eight phases to EMDR therapy:

1. Initial history taking and treatment planning This is typically done in the first one or two sessions.

2. Preparation This is the part that varies the most as it is created for each individual client to prepare the client for phases 3-7.

3. Assessment Phases 3-7 are typically done in one session. They are about activating the brain, then calming it down.

4. Desensitization

5. Installation

6. Body scan

7. Closure

8. Reevaluation Follow-up after a reprocessing session.

Eight phases sounds time-consuming. Is it? 

I understand that “Eight Phases” can sound overwhelming and time-consuming. However, it’s not that bad and actually, we can often do phases 3-7 in one 90-minute session. 

How long does EMDR treatment usually take?

Overall, treatment duration varies depending on the complexity of the trauma history. According to the EMDR International Association, “The amount of time the complete treatment will take depends upon the history of the client.” For clients with a single trauma instance, EMDR can provide relief and decrease symptoms in as little as 3-4 sessions. 

When clients come to EMDR therapy with a complex history of trauma or multiple trauma targets, the time needed will vary. Therefore, the length of time needed to complete treatment will depend on how many resources the client currently has and how much previous counseling work the client has done. 

What if I’ve had counseling in the past?

Many of my EMDR clients are referred to me after having done other types of counseling work like talk therapy, cognitive therapy, and Dialectical Behavioral therapy. Yet they still feel limited in their present life. Those clients are often able to have a shorter preparation phase due to the resources they have learned in their past work. 

Please know that we work together to utilize the skills that you have and decrease the time we need to spend in the preparation phase. 

What is EMDR effective in treating?

EMDR is most known for the treatment of complex trauma and PTSD. However, it is also effective in treating:

• single trauma incidents (like medical diagnoses and procedures)

• anxiety

• panic attacks

• abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, intimate partner)

• childhood neglect

• attachment issues

• birth trauma

• adoption grief and trauma

• sports-related injuries

In addition, clients also report improvement with connecting issues such as depression, body image and body dysmorphia, disordered eating, self-harm behaviors, sleep issues, and psychosomatic symptoms like tingling, and phantom pains.

Can you use EMDR if you don’t have a clear moment of trauma?

The short answer is yes. We can use the EMDR approach with any sensory information (smell, sight, sound, taste or body sensation). Also, if there is a memory that you would rather (or not be able to not talk about), reprocessing is still possible.

For more information on this question, please see my previous blog post entitled, “When You Don’t Know What Went Wrong.”

What is the cost of this specialized therapy?

At Redeemer Counseling, the cost varies based on the therapist; however, my fees are the same for talk therapy and EMDR.

When I received EMDR therapy as the client, I felt like it was a wise financial investment. As a result of EMDR, I saw deep healing in a much shorter time frame than in my conventional talk therapy sessions. This is one of the reasons why I am so passionate about this type of therapy! Deep, impactful healing at an accelerated pace. 

Where can I get more information?

For more information about EMDR, I recommend going to the EMDR International Association website.  You will find great videos and informational articles there. 

How do I sign up?

Ready to schedule? Great! Email Rebeca or call the Redeemer Counseling office to get set up with a counselor who offers EMDR. 

Still not sure? Have more questions before you feel comfortable moving forward? If so, call or email and request a free 20-minute consultation. This way, I can answer your questions and you can see if we are a good fit. If not, and I can’t help you, I will let you know and try to find someone who can. 

I look forward to connecting with you!

He Knows

By Devan Grayson

You have thirty days to reply. My heart quickens as I get to the end of a notice from the IRS. I recently finished graduate school without a job offer to my name. Now, a letter arrives informing me that I have been audited. I know that it is impossible that I owe $3000 to the government; however, I also know little about tax documents or how to advocate for myself.  

Ignoring that reality, I write the most eloquent and firm reply I can muster, attempting to reject their proposal twice before enlisting the help of my cousin who works as a CPA. He reconfigures my tax documents and the IRS promptly writes back saying I owe them nothing. My cousin also lets me know that the IRS actually owes me money if I ever want to refile one of my previous tax years.  I felt elated the day I received the notice that my case was closed; however, the six months leading up to its arrival were wrought with fear and feeling as if justice was inaccessible.

I find myself ruminating on this memory as I drive home, thinking about the current irony in my life. In the beginning of 2021, I finally decided to take up the arduous task of refiling two tax years that my cousin had pointed out were incorrect. Again, I enlisted the help of a CPA to prepare my tax documents and was told to expect a response from the IRS sixteen weeks later. Sixteen weeks passed and still no word. I called the IRS, and after far too much time on the phone, a worker let me know that he put a note in my file saying the IRS had thirty days to address my tax returns. I felt powerless to an organization who had once used the same thirty-day term to threaten and frighten me. Thirty days passed, and I called again. I was told that this time the IRS had thirty days to reply to my request. 

The second deadline has well passed, and on my drive today, I think about whether I want to spend needless hours advocating for justice to an organization where none will be found. 

Apparently, there is grace for the government, but often, not for its people.  

“The feeling of advocating for myself is all too familiar—I have spent a great deal of time knowing what it’s like to offer my heart to others who remain indifferent to how they’ve impacted me. I know other times, I’ve been guilty of doing the same thing. ”

What does justice truly mean? What does having a voice do when you’re subjected to an authority that renders you powerless? In this case, I’m not sure that it means me endlessly spinning my wheels, wasting my voice and time on an audience who doesn’t listen. 

“Maybe I should just let the tax return thing go. It’ll come when it comes,” I think.

The feeling of advocating for myself is all too familiar—I have spent a great deal of time knowing what it’s like to offer my heart to others who remain indifferent to how they’ve impacted me. I know other times, I’ve been guilty of doing the same thing. 

Faces of friendships lost alongside memories of relationships that may never heal, and images of clients and friends who have suffered atrocities at the hands of people within organizations who claim to be safe, like their families or the Church, surface in my mind. 

Daily around the world innocent people are murdered, children are sexually abused and abandoned. Racism, narcissism, and misogyny run rampant. Death and sickness ravage the earth with little care to whose lives they claim. There are not adequate words for the brokenness I’ve borne witness to; brokenness without justice abounds. And this is the world Jesus calls me to live in.

And sometimes, I tire of advocating for myself. Other times, I’m tempted to believe I have the power to advocate for my friends or clients in ways that are beyond my reach.  It can be difficult to watch people I care about hurt or choose to agree with accusations that may threaten their identity and their freedom.  In those moments, it can be all too easy to think that I have the ability to assuage their ache or bring transformation to their souls.  

I am grateful for how Jesus’ kindness and love have helped me choose new ways of relating to others that don’t involve me crucifying myself in an attempt to rescue myself or those around me.  Instead, I’m invited to be with others, entrusting their souls to Jesus.  As I’ve grown, I’ve also learned to love the ways that my heart bleeds for justice.  It’s by learning to trust Him over and over again, that I find myself freer to rest as I hope in an advocate outside of myself.

I start to tear up as I reflect on how it can sometimes be difficult for me to trust that Jesus is my advocate and that He advocates for those I love.  It is so much more familiar for me to believe that using my voice to fight for myself and for others is the only way to hope for goodness.  Today, I trust that He sees all of the brokenness in the world and is deeply grieved by it. That He promises to bind up the wounds of His people and that He intimately knows the horrors of abuse, trauma, and betrayal because He lived through them.  That even when I can’t see it, He is bringing goodness and life to the earth.  And that, as He sees me tear up, He weeps with me because He intimately knows, more than I understand, why trust can be so difficult for me, and many people I love, to come by.

“He knows. He knows. He knows,” the phrase replays in my head as I continue my drive.

There is such goodness in those words as they remind and invite me to come home.

Redeemer Counseling Winter Newsletter

Click to read the most recent news from Redeemer Counseling!

Q & A with Elizabeth Aulds

We are so excited to welcome Elizabeth Aulds to our team of counselors at Redeemer Counseling. Elizabeth will be seeing clients at the Lake Nona office. If you're interested in scheduling an appointment with Elizabeth, please contact our office at 407-405-7677.

Tell us about yourself:

I was born and raised in San Antonio, Texas. I have been in Florida since 2004, but am still an avid San Antonio Spurs fan! I have a four-year old dog named Ari who keeps me busy going on walks and visiting dog parks. I love spending time with friends engaging in deep conversation or just hanging out playing games, traveling, and spending time hiking in the mountains anytime I get a chance.

How did you get into counseling?

When I was in High School, I had an interest in counseling as I had a counselor who helped me through some difficult circumstances. I knew before I began college, I wanted to spend my life helping others. While I was attending The University of Texas at San Antonio, I became involved in a ministry that I soon learned had an outreach to High School students. I felt called at that time to join the staff of that ministry which I did after graduation. I spent 11 years on staff with them and during that time God brought many students my way who were hurting and dealing with some difficult circumstances. I realized if I was going to continue to work with students, I needed to be better equipped. As a result, I pursued my Master’s in counseling and during that time felt led to leave staff with the ministry and start doing counseling as a career.

How do you make new clients feel welcome?

From the moment a client walks into the counseling room I want them to know that I am excited they have agreed to engage in the counseling process and how I don’t take that decision lightly. I am genuinely interested in them and have a desire to see them thrive. I will not push them beyond where they feel comfortable and will take things at their pace.

What is your preferred morning beverage?

I am an absolute coffee lover! However, as I have gotten older, I feel like I am more particular about where my coffee comes from and my current favourites are Dunkin Donuts and WaWa. It has to have a flavoured creamer as well and not that powder stuff. Bring on the International Delight or Coffee Mate. Holiday flavours like Pumpkin Spice and Peppermint Mocha are the best.

Redeemer Counseling Fall Newsletter

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Q & A with Angela Burleigh

We are so excited to welcome Angela Burleigh to our team of counselors at Redeemer Counseling. Angela will be seeing clients at the Downtown office. If you're interested in scheduling an appointment with Angela, please contact our office at 407-405-7677.

Tell us about yourself:

I’m originally from Charleston, SC, but have lived in Florida since 2001. I have two kids (4 and 1) and a husband who teaches elementary P.E. I’m introverted, so people tend to see me as quiet, but I do have a witty, playful side that comes out as you get to know me. I also love exploring new places, seeing beautiful sites, learning more about cultures, people’s stories, and what makes them the way they are.

Cats or Dogs?

Well, it used to be dogs, hands down. But now, I’d say two kids are enough.

Chocolate or Vanilla?

Hmmm…Mexican chocolate from Kelly’s Ice Cream is delightful

Morning or Evening?

Definitely evening over morning. But I’m not a night owl, so I like to just say that I’m a “day person.”

What did you do before you became a counselor?

I was a writer and graphic designer for three different missionary agencies. I also got to go on about 20 overseas projects, and lead some summer intern teams to Kenya, Myanmar, and Thailand. It was a lot of fun, but also lonely at times. I was single at the time and always wrestling with wanting to be married but trying to be content where I was.

What do you do for fun?

I love exploring and getting out of the house. My family and I like to go to state parks, the science center, search for fairy doors at Leu Gardens, walk around Lake Eola and Winter Park, play on playgrounds, and anything new that comes up. If I’m by myself, I love to hang out at coffee shops or have heart-to-heart conversations with close friends.

What are you passionate about as a counselor?

Helping people find freedom from past painful experiences, lies they’ve come to believe, and responses that they feel unable to control. I especially enjoy working with women who are trying to navigate singleness and/or dating, and also those who never feel like they are good enough for God or others in their life. Missionaries are another group I tend to focus on since I worked as one for about 8 years. And I also do marriage/relationship counseling, depression, anxiety, trauma, abuse, and perinatal concerns like adjusting to motherhood, or infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth.

Any advice for someone considering counseling?

I remember how long it took me to finally see a counselor myself. It seemed like it must mean something was wrong with me. But now, I don’t think twice if a friend mentions that they are in counseling. In fact, I get excited for them. However, I know that on the other end, it feels pretty massive. And maybe there are people in our life who would ridicule us or say “You don’t need it. You’re fine” if they knew we were considering it. I guess I would just say that it’s one of the best things I ever did myself, and I doubt I would be at peace, or married, or where I’m at today had I not.

Reaching out for help is a sign of great strength and courage. None of us just automatically know how to have healthy relationships, manage anxiety or trauma, figure out how to parent well, or find freedom from brokenness on our own. There’s nothing wrong with you if you could use professional help figuring that out. We’re designed for relationships, and the counseling relationship is a great place to go looking for that healing. And, not all counselors are created equal or fit with every personality, so don’t be afraid to try someone else if the first one you try just doesn’t feel like a good fit.

Redeemer Counseling June Newsletter

Click to read the most recent news from Redeemer Counseling, including some staff transitions and new counselors joining our staff!

Q & A with Rey Rivera

We are so excited to welcome Rey Rivera to our team of counselors at Redeemer Counseling. Rey will be seeing clients at the Lake Nona office If you're interested in scheduling an appointment with Rey please contact our office at 407-405-7677.

What was your journey in becoming a counselor?

My journey of becoming a counselor began in High School when I experienced my share of struggles with relationships, family dynamics and depression. After taking an AP Psychology course, I found out how intriguing and freeing it was to understand the relationship between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I was hooked right from the start as I was able to gain more insight into myself. As a Christian, I found that knowledge of God, coupled with an increasing knowledge of myself, helped me to deepen and maintain healthy relationships. I went on to study psychology in college and get my Master’s in Counseling. The more I learned, the more I grew personally. My own personal growth developed a desire in me to walk with others through the complexity of their own inner world and the mystery of God. To this day, my goal continues to be for my work as a counselor to be an extension of my personal pursuit of God and wholeness. I want to come alongside others, help them grow, and remain humble in the process as I also grow. 

Do you have particular areas of interest as a counselor?

I particularly enjoy working with men who are wrestling with identity issues, whether these come as a result of a career change, life transitions, relational conflict or trauma. It can often be difficult for men to know themselves if they have not been given the tools to understand their emotions. As men, we tend to ignore our internal conflicts until it’s too late, which can lead to severe struggles with depression and anxiety. This can also be exacerbated by intense trauma such as sexual abuse. I hope to walk alongside men dealing with the consequences of not understanding their internal world. 

If someone were to see you for counseling, what should the person expect in the first session?

As in all meaningful relationships, building trust takes a bit of time. The therapeutic relationship is no different. A new client should expect that I will be intentional in getting to know them, while also letting them get a sense of who I am. I would ask important questions relating to their reason for seeking therapy, while respecting the reality that I am still a stranger to them, and not pushing them beyond what feels comfortable at the time. I consider it a success if the individual leaves with clarity on their goals for therapy and feels a bit more comfortable to start that process alongside me. 

What do you enjoy doing for fun?

Some of the things I enjoy the most include working out, reading, playing music and spending time with my friends and family. I have become somewhat of a CrossFit enthusiast over the last few years and have grown to love the challenge and community it provides. When not being active, reading and playing music are ways that I can unwind and learn new things. Spending time with the people I love is also a priority for me. If there is a chance that I am not doing any of the things mentioned above, then I am usually trying to find a way to sneak in a nap.

Redeemer Counseling March Newsletter

Click to read Redeemer Counseling’s March Newsletter, including helpful tips for relational health, a counselor spotlight, and more!

Redeemer Counseling Newsletter

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Coming Home: How Therapy Can Bring Restoration and Hope

By Devan Grayson

“It’s possible that you have early onset MS,” the nurse stated nonchalantly and walked out of the exam room. 

Tears welled up in my eyes as the words of a nameless nurse struck terror in my heart.  I waited for a doctor who, upon arrival, had no answers, and drove home, alone with my fear.  

It was in the same season that I started seeing my first counselor.  The nurse was wrong; I didn’t have MS.  My body had finally reached a point where it could no longer hold the emotions I had desperately tried to keep contained inside me.  At the conclusion of our first session he gently stated, “You’ve just spent the last forty-five minutes talking about many people, but not yourself.  I’m wondering how you’re impacted by everything that’s changing in your life?”

I remember not having words to respond.  I didn’t know how to talk about myself.  Up until that day, the messages I’d received, both in and out of the Church, led me to believe that it was selfish to talk about myself.  With the help of my therapist and a loving community of friends, I would soon begin to stumble toward finding words to reclaim and redeem parts of my heart that had long been neglected.  

As I sat week after week in the presence of my counselor’s safety, I grew in awareness of what I felt.  I started to learn more about how I could grow in my ability to process my own trauma, tolerate my emotions, and bring rest to my weary soul.  It was in these precious hours that I began to experience the restoring hand of Jesus and to walk more freely as the woman He created me to be.

Sometimes, unresolved trauma can explain why a person experiences seemingly inexplicable bodily reactions that hijack their ability to engage with others.  We used to believe that trauma was stored in the brain as a “bad memory” that could simply be talked about to facilitate healing.  However, neuroscience now demonstrates that trauma is stored throughout the entire body.  

To some extent, we all experience harm and trauma in relationship.  I believe the counseling room is a sacred space that offers an invitation to explore core wounds and begin to experience healing in body and soul.  More often than not, it can be easier to name how we’ve harmed others rather than how we’ve been harmed ourselves. When this happens, our hearts remain neglected, our emotions stay trapped in our bodies, and we can feel stuck in the ways we engage with those around us. Examining the details of your story, especially giving weight to the places you’ve been harmed, can lead to healing and new freedom in relationship with yourself and others.

I believe the truth is what sets us free. Because of this, it is imperative that we name the goodness we’ve experienced in conjunction with the ways we’ve harmed others and experienced harm ourselves. No-one makes it through life without being wounded, and once we are, we begin to live out of adaptive and protective strategies to ensure we won’t be harmed again. While these strategies are often paramount to our survival, they simultaneously keep us in bondage and keep us out of healthy relationships with others.  Once we experience harm, we begin to filter our present-day encounters through the lenses of our past hurts, making it difficult to come alive in the present.  When you feel stuck in these ways, this can manifest in day to day interactions like feeling frustrated by something that seems insignificant or believing messages like, “my feelings are too much”.

Individual therapy is an invitation to explore the stories that have shaped who you are. As you name both the beauty and brokenness in your life, you can begin to experience healing that can lead to freedom and deeper relationships with others.  I believe that all people are created uniquely with a story that demonstrates the hand of God.  I count it a privilege to walk with clients in their own stories and wonder together about the untapped glory that remains hidden in their hearts.

A Letter to our Clients on COVID-19

Dear Clients,

The current situation surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic has many people feeling rightfully anxious and concerned. The level of uncertainty about the full impact the coronavirus will have on our families and community contributes to this anxiety. We at Redeemer Counseling want to underscore our commitment, as in any other difficult season of your life, to walk with you during these uncertain times.

In accord with health and government officials, we are taking necessary precautions to prevent the spread of the virus by sanitizing our office spaces to ensure your safety. What are typically mundane, automatic daily tasks like washing hands and covering mouths while coughing and sneezing are now becoming ways we all can contribute to the greater good of our world. If you are feeling sick or are caring for a sick loved one we ask that you inform your counselor about your situation. For any of our clients, we are making available the option to conduct sessions remotely through the telephone or our web-based, HIPAA compliant telemedicine platform VSee that works similar to FaceTime and Skype.

Your mental health matters immensely.  Here are a few recommendations for your emotional wellbeing during this time:

Talk about your feelings. Do not be embarrassed or ashamed of the many, maybe even conflicted feelings, you are experiencing during this time. Talking to friends and family about your fears and anxiety over the coronavirus can be very healing. We need each other during this time. Also, be on the lookout for those who are struggling and be willing to serve as you feel led.

Stay informed but not consumed. It is imperative that you stay informed, particularly as the situation is quickly changing. However, be mindful and attuned to when staying informed crosses into obsession and becomes detrimental to your mental health. Limiting the amount of news exposure on a daily basis may be wise.

Draw near to God. Be aware of your spiritual wellbeing. Scripture reminds us that God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Take time to commune with our Heavenly Father who desires to bring comfort and peace.

Please do not hesitate to contact our office or your counselor directly about questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

J. Michael and Rachel Blackston

Directors, Redeemer Counseling