How to be Home for the Holidays After Therapy
By Angela Burleigh
So….you’ve started therapy or some other form of self-reflection, and you’ve begun to realize that there were harmful patterns of behavior and communication in your family of origin that have led to some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms, negative beliefs about yourself, or relationship strategies you use today. You might have instinctively felt like something was off before, but now you have better words to describe how you are affected by it.
And now that you know, going home for the holidays can be harder than it’s ever been before.
If this is you this Thanksgiving and Christmas season, I’d like to offer a few thoughts that I often tell my clients as they are headed home to those people and places that hold some wounding. Not all of these suggestions will work for every situation, so use discretion depending on your family and where you are at in your journey.
Have Patience with Yourself
First of all, instead of approaching the holidays with the mindset of calling-out or changing a life-time of a specific unhealthy pattern with a family member or system, understand that it’s not going to change overnight (or ever, for some unfortunately).
If you find yourself reverting to your old way of engaging your mother, father or family, it’s ok. Just like they aren’t going to change overnight, neither will you. Even if you’ve made wonderful progress at engaging your other relationships in healthier ways, it’s always going to be hardest to make those changes with your parents or others who were pivotal in how your brain was ultimately wired during your formative years. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself feeling like you’re a 7-year-old or 15-year-old all over again when a parent dismisses you or criticizes you in the same way they have always done. Or when your brother or sister pulls all their usual tactics to get you defensive and frustrated.
Curiosity and Fact-Gathering
Instead of getting upset at yourself for responding like you always have, try to take the viewpoint of noticing the patterns in a new light with curiosity. If it helps, take a journal and write down how some of the interactions went when you get a free moment. Take note of what was said and done, how you felt, and how you responded. This will be great material to go over with your therapist after the holidays.
It’s also something you can take to God and ask Him to meet you in:
“Father God, you see and know how I’ve always felt small and overlooked in my family. Be with me in this. Help me see my family, the patterns, and myself as you see them. Heal me. Heal us.”
“Well, of course!”
When I was in graduate school, an alumni shared with me that she would often say “Well, of course!” when she found herself engaging in a self-protective pattern she had learned from childhood. I have often found myself taking this posture towards myself or recommending it to others.
“Well, of course I shut down when my dad interrupted me! I was really excited to tell him about my new job promotion, and it felt like he didn’t care when I told him. That would hurt anyone. Shutting down is the only way I ever learned to respond to this.”
“Well, of course I felt guilty when my mom made that comment about my skirt being a little short. I’ve had a lifetime of being told I wasn’t good enough for anyone, including God. I know now that’s not true, but of course my brain and body is still responding as if it is.”
Having this posture doesn’t lead to simply excusing yourself and never growing. Instead, it actually gives you the room to make headway in the area that’s hard for you.
It’s a lot like how God’s grace also works: when we realize (and believe) that we really and truly are completely forgiven for our sin, we then have more power to actually live like Jesus did.
Practice ways to respond in your head after the fact
Whenever a family member engages with you in a harmful way, think about how you could have responded differently. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do so right away. Instead, just think about it. Rehearse it in your head, on paper, or with a trusted friend. Eventually (and there’s no set time on this), you may just actually find yourself responding in that way one day.
“You know mom, it hurts when you say that.”
“Dad, would it be ok if we could talk for a little bit without the TV on? I’d love to get your opinion on something.”
“Sis, when you say that, I get confused and I feel like there’s no way I can really respond in a way that you’ll feel loved.”
Depending on how frequently you interact with your family, everyone’s level of self-awareness, and/or how resistant to change they are, it could take a while before you’re able to say those words out loud. Again, that’s ok. Perhaps you could set a loose goal for yourself like “ok, at some point in the next year, I’m going to try to gently tell my dad that it hurts when he teases me”.
I also like to tell people that this might come out all jumbled and “imperfect”. That’s ok too. It always takes practice to learn a new skill, and it’s ok to bungle it up.
Additionally, it doesn’t have to be a long drawn-out conversation where you tell your family member everything they’ve ever done to hurt you. It can be as simple as a sentence or two, gently telling them how something affects you, and then if it feels appropriate, gently asking if they could do something different.
The person might not respond well and may do exactly what you feared they would do. THAT’s OK. Their response doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have said it. (They might also surprise you and respond with understanding and a willingness to apologize or change.)
Plan a Buffer
There’s only so much of a harmful pattern or system we can take. And we may already be entering the holidays worn out from other circumstances. Depending on the severity of your family system and where you currently are emotionally this year, you may want to consider:
Staying in a hotel or with a more neutral friend or family member
Limiting the number of days or time spent at home or with a particular family member
Planning something enjoyable or restful to do after your trip in order to recover, decompress, journal, pray, etc.
Adjusting what you do with a family member to minimize the opportunity for the hurtful pattern to emerge (ie. Not being alone with that family member or doing an activity rather than one-on-one conversation)
Taking breaks when you need them. Pay attention to your body’s clues. If you are dysregulated (shut down, amped up, etc.), practice self-soothing strategies to get your prefrontal cortex back in control.
And if needed, don’t be afraid to consider that maybe you aren’t ready to return home this year. Perhaps you’re still in a pretty raw stage of therapy and it might be better to get a little further down the journey before attempting a visit home. This is also 100% OK.
In closing, I want to make sure to mention that just because a family member or system has an unhealthy and hurtful pattern, doesn’t make it irredeemable or not worth being part of. Yes, there are certainly evil parents and families out there that may be absolutely necessary to have strict boundaries around or to cut ties with. If that’s you, my heart is with you, and I pray that you will find yourself with a new, loving “family” one day.
Many families, however, are not that way. No one escapes life unharmed. No family system is perfect. But some people and family systems have capacity for change, especially when we first begin to change the way we interact with them and become healthier ourselves. This will always be disruptive at first, but there’s potential for real beauty and restoration as we change and invite our family to change with us.
And so, wherever you might find yourself this holiday season, may Christ’s peace and presence go before you and fill you every step of the way.
Angela is an Orlando-based therapist who works with a variety of clients, including ones who want to navigate relationships, process and heal from trauma, or work through anxiety and depression. Angela also has specific training in Perinatal Mental Health (postpartum depression, traumatic birth, pregnancy loss, etc.) and EMDR and has a background in overseas missions. To learn more or inquire about scheduling with Angela, click here.
