Your First Christmas Without Them: Navigating The Holidays After Losing Someone You Love
By Angela Burleigh, LMHC
I love December and everything Christmas. I love decorating and finding Christmas events to attend, like the SeaWorld ice-skating show or the Nutcracker ballet. I enjoy when I find the perfect present for someone that I know they’ll like. I love unpacking all the ornaments that I’ve collected over the years of special places and memories and then waking up to the lights of the Christmas tree every morning. I especially love listening to the Andrew Peterson Behold the Lamb Christmas concert every year to remind myself of the hope and promise that the birth of Christ brought to a weary world.
But amidst all these festivities, Christmas also brings pain and reminders of loss. I tear up as I write this. My family has lost three loved ones this year – my grandfather, my mother-in-law, and my brother-in-law. Two of them we had some warning for. The other one we didn’t. But all are still equally painful.
It was also at this time in December six years ago that my husband and I lost our baby at about 10 weeks of my pregnancy. Another loss of someone who is not here to give gifts to, spend time with, and enjoy – someone I never even got the chance to meet.
Others may have lost people in other ways this year as well – like through the pain of a breakup, a divorce, or a child or family member who no longer talks to us. These losses carry a different layer of pain, knowing the person is still very much alive, but choosing for whatever reason to not be present in our lives. Another example of loss is a family member with dementia or some type of disease or traumatic brain injury that has changed their personality significantly to where it feels like we have lost them even if they are sitting right there in the room with us.
It’s tempting for each of us to minimize our pain and say things like “well, at least I still have this person, or at least I still have this to be thankful for, or … [fill in the blank].” And, while there is a time and place for thinking of what we are blessed with for sure, it’s important not to jump to that right away and to be willing to sit in the pain of what we have lost.
The world is not as it should be.
People are not supposed to die and leave us. Relationships are meant to bring joy and comfort – not pain and fear. Babies are meant to be born and to get to be held and loved. Husbands should not have to sit by themselves in a lonely house without their wife of 60 years to hand them a gift under the Christmas tree. Children should be able to call up their parents and say Merry Christmas, and hear them say “Hi, Kid.” Sin, darkness, and evil are not supposed to be here.
“People are not supposed to die and leave us. Relationships are meant to bring joy and comfort – not pain and fear. Babies are meant to be born and get to be held and loved.”
It’s not my intention to get deep into the problem of pain or other theological points in this post. But I do want to demonstrate a crucial part of grief and healing, and that is naming what is true.
The world is broken. And it hurts to miss those we love. It just does. Our memories, responses, facial expressions, personalities, beliefs, hopes, and even some of our brain’s neurons are intermingled with the people we love, and when they are gone, there’s a literal truth to why it feels like a part of us is missing.* Since holidays and traditions carry a lot of emotions with them, they can amplify what we have lost even more.
If any of this is resonating with you this holiday, here are a few thoughts I have to offer:
• Please know and believe that it’s ok to cry. In fact, it’s good and healing to cry (studies confirm this**). There’s a brilliant scene in the movie Inside Out that demonstrates how tears and naming what was lost aids the healing process much better than using “Joy” to ignore the pain. I refer to it often in the counseling room:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QT6FdhKriB8.
• Do something in memory of the person you love. Go to their favorite restaurant or park. Watch their favorite movie. Read their favorite book, Scripture, or song.
• Write them a letter telling them how much you miss them or about what you did for Christmas this year (handwritten if possible***).
• Write your own Psalm of lament like King David did in the Bible.
• Write down some favorite memories and stories you have of that person. Put them on paper. Tell them to others.
• In the case of a miscarriage or stillbirth, perhaps you can find a special Christmas ornament to remember them by. We have two little bear ornaments on our tree with the names of our children who we never got to hold or meet. It always brings a smile and a tear each year to unpack them and hang them up in a place of honor near the top of the tree. Perhaps I’ll find ornaments this year to represent the family members who I’ve lost as well. A cowboy or a tractor for my grandfather. A cat or a horse for my mother-in-law, and a jet plane or doctor’s coat for my brother-in-law.
• Don’t be afraid to talk about the person you miss. It might be easy to tell yourself that “you’re being a downer to talk about it”, or “maybe you should be over it by now”, or “maybe you should be grateful for the other people in your life”. Nonsense. Those are lies that keep us isolated. We are meant for relationships. We need the people who are still around us. That’s how God actually created the fiber of our being (another thing that science is revealing to us the more we learn about our amazingly complex brains*).
• This could be a good year for doing something completely different then your normal traditions: a cruise, a trip to another state or country, eating out, going to a movie, volunteering at a local soup kitchen, bowling, camping….Or maybe what you need is to do all of your usual traditions exactly as you would have if your loved one was still in your life. There’s not a right or wrong here. You get to choose what you and/or your family need most. Vitas Healthcare has a great blogpost that gives additional guidance on this.
• Take a break from Facebook and social media or large parties and gatherings if you find yourself getting lost in a painful world of seeing what others have this year that you have lost.
• You also don’t have to feel guilty if you are enjoying something this year. It’s not disloyal or doesn’t somehow mean that the person you love is less important to you if you find moments of joy and peace that they aren’t around to experience with you. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that they probably would want that for you.
• The Every Moment Holy books have various liturgies (prayers) for different types of loss that you may find comforting. The hard copies are lovely, or you can even just download a specific liturgy on the general category of loss you are experiencing for $1 each at https://www.everymomentholy.com/liturgies. They also have a few that are free to download as well if you explore the site.
• If the loss you feel without the person that you love in your life this year is so overwhelming that you find yourself with thoughts of suicide or harming yourself, please tell someone – whether it’s someone around you that you know, or calling the suicide hotline (988) or chat option (https://chat.988lifeline.org/) for help. You might not be able to see light at the end of the tunnel right now, so let others see that light for you and lean on them until you can see it again yourself one day.
• Find a GriefShare group, friend or counselor to help you go through the stages of grief well. I’ve heard it said that the only way to not do grief well is to not do it. GriefShare also does a special 2-hour online or in person Surviving the Holidays event you could check out.
The world is not as it should be. The Bible tells us that it was good once, and that it will be good again. But until then, we live as broken people in the pain, loss, and joy of the “already, but not yet.” It is good to remind ourselves of the blessings we have with us and the hope we have of a future in Christ. Just don’t suppress the sadness. Let the truth of what is hard be part of the joy and blessings that you do have today and the hope for what is to come.
Angela is an Orlando-based therapist who works with a variety of clients, including ones who want to navigate relationships, process and heal from trauma, or work through anxiety and depression. Angela also has specific training in Perinatal Mental Health (postpartum depression, traumatic birth, pregnancy loss, etc.) and EMDR and has a background in overseas missions. To learn more or inquire about scheduling with Angela, click here.
*A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon is one book that talks about this, and many newer books have come out since then to expand on the topic.
** “Eight benefits of crying: Why it's good to shed a few tears” :https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319631
** “What’s the Point of Crying?: The Benefits of Tears for Mental and Physical Well Being”:https://www.losangelesmftherapist.com/post/whats-the-point-of-crying-the-benefits-of-tears-for-mental-and-physical-well-being/
*** “Why Writing by Hand Is Better for Your Brain”: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/positively-media/202403/writing-by-hand-can-boost-brain-connectivity
